I just got this picture from a friend who texted it to me and said, “Praying the Lord gives you extra strength today”, and the truth is that I need it. Going to work has been extra hard lately, because “our plan” included me staying at home and focusing on our baby girl. Our plan did not include me working again or putting back on my scrubs and showing up to do insurance. Our plan did not include death. Our plan seemed just fine. But, it was not His plan. Apparently this picture is the sunset from the night of Mary Anna’s service, and I have not have seen it before today It made me cry at work when I got this text. It made we want to go home and lay in the nursery and be a mommy. Not an insurance and billing lady. His plan prevails, but I just do not see it today.
And as I write this blog at work don’t judge, my sweet UPS delivery guy asked me how my baby was doing, and I gracefully had to tell him in front of the whole office again that she passed away. Life is tough, and it seems extra tough right now. I try to seem strong when I work, but sometimes I end up crying behind the building alone. In my scrubs. Because right now I am an insurance lady. Even though I am a mommy, I do not get to act like a mommy day to day and that breaks my heart.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.