One of Dan’s favorite quotes he heard in a sermon a long time ago from our pastor, where he said that each person has a God shaped hole that only God can fill. It’s a quote by the famous scientist Blaise Pascal. There are times that we try to fill that hole with other things, but ultimately we remain empty without Him.
Recently Dan said to me, “Karebear, it’s like we have a Mary Anna shaped hole in our heart that will never get filled.” The one thing that I have learned about a loss like ours is that it never truly goes away. We have confirmed it with people much older and wiser than us who say, still now after they lost their child thirty years ago, that the pain is still there. I think sometimes people want to tell us something quick to make us feel better like, “I’m sure it gets better with time.” While yes, they are right, it does get better with time, but it never goes away. The love for a child is instant and that void sticks.
So yes, Dan and I have changed, we have changed a lot since July 14. We are not and never will be the same people that we were before. The majority of the changes are for the good and for His glory alone. There’s just a different way that we look at life and death now. And although very painful, we learn each day to be thankful that we are different. It’s like we see a little more clearly who our King Jesus truly is even with a Mary Anna shaped hole.