The Lord is faithful!
We happily introduce our son to the world.
William Daniel Caldwell
July 25, 2014
7 pounds 4 ounces
20 inches long
A complete joy.
As we began our journey of delivery, it was a little chaotic and unconventional, but who really knows what to expect when it comes to the actual birth of your child. Rarely do you hear of these delivery stories that back up Hollywood’s view of having a baby. We were stretched, drained, happy, and emotional, but thankfully we are home and enjoying soaking up every moment with our little buddy.
The adjustment physically has not been nearly as hard as it has been emotional. I think my biggest fear is that I would not attach to little William, because of my longing for Mary Anna to be here with us, but I have not struggled with that at all. My heart is so in love with him, but my heart is so sad with a huge hole that no one can fill.
There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus.
- Blaise Pascal
Just like so many times I have tried to fill my heart with things that only God can fill, little William does not fill the void in my heart from my baby girl. I realized that each baby opens up a new space in your heart, and it does not mean that we do not love him fully, but he can only fill the “William- shaped hole”, but he cannot fill the hole in our hearts from our sweet baby girl.
Dan and I have spent many hours snuggling with our little W, but at the same time we have spent many hours weeping trying to understand why our sweet girl is not here with us. Our family has grown in numbers and in love, but the void still remains.
On the other hand, I feel more like myself than I have in over two years. Our journey to bring a baby home has been long and tiresome, and as I have waited and waited and waited, each day I felt less and less like me and more and more like I was just constantly trying to make everyone think I was happy. My arms ached to have a baby in them, and my heart was so confused at who I was and my role as wife and mother to a baby in heaven.
Now even though there’s still a missing smile in our home, my role as a mother seems more fulfilled and real. I am officially a stay at home mommy to a precious baby boy, and I finally feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.
The Lord is faithful. He Remains. He is good. His love is real, deep, and wide. He has met us in our sorrow, and he continues to meet us in our joy.
This is what the Lord says-
he who made a way through the sea,
a path through the mighty waters,
who drew out the chariots and horses
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Isaiah 43 :16-19