Beware as I share this story that it might be a hard one to read, but if you can stick with me, because I think you will be moved as I have been.
I laid her body down and wept so loud that I am sure the men on the sidewalk many floors below could hear my screams. I held her and kissed her lips. I screamed to my love, “HOW DO WE DO THIS?” How was she gone? How do 26 year old children walk away from their baby girl? Her dress was white, and she was beautiful. It was the only white dress that she would ever wear, how could this be? I was so sad, confused, angry, and somehow happy and proud that she was mine. My stomach ached from being so empty, my scar hurt from the surgery and from not resting, my throat was parched, my eyes swollen, and my husband held me up, because I could barely walk. Father where are you right now? How is my 4 day old baby gone?
I loved her more than I ever knew that I could.
This memory haunts me. The day she went to heaven was the hardest day of my life. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night with this picture in my head. I can still close my eyes and see my baby girl lifeless in that NICU, and the sun setting on her little body. My heart feels guilt for walking away sometimes, because I never wanted to leave her. I am not sure how I ever kept walking after that day. There are days I do not know how I am walking. This morning, a friend sent me this song and it touched me.