Oct 17


The bills never stop coming. A bill for my c-section, my ambulance ride, Mary Anna, the NICU, etc…. Each one we open is horrible. I hate it when I see the hospital’s name on the outside of the envelope and slowly have to break the seal to see what else we owe. We get one saying they need more information or one of the insurances doesn’t understand the charges, so I spend hours of the phone listening to stupid elevator music and wait to explain our situation over and over and over again. Today one of the ladies on the other end of the line said, “For some reason the charges for Mary are terminated on July 17th.” I was like, “umm… her name is Mary Anna, and that’s because she died.” Insert awkward moment of sobbing to the insurance lady.

It’s rainy and gross here today, and I just heard the word terminated on the other end of the phone, and I want to know when this all will end. I want to find the money tree to help pay all these bills with a sweet husband who’s working his tail off trying to stay motivated in vet school. I try to find peace and hope and comfort but some days it just doesn’t come.

Oh Mary Anna,
I just miss you so much today that I can’t even stand it. You are my sweet angel, and I want to be a good mommy. My mommy told me today while I was crying to her that I was strong, and I told her it was because I want to take care of you and your bills, and I want to make you proud. I miss your innocent little eyes and your big lips. I wish that I could just hold your tiny little hand right now. You are my baby girl and always will be.
With all the love I have,
your mommy

I got this text just now from my sweet friend that reads:

It has been three months since you went to heaven little Mary Anna. We miss you so much! You had the greatest mommy and daddy. Even though you are not here, you are loved so much and are in our thoughts daily!
May the Lord give you strength and “rest” today. I know this week has probably been especially hard with it being three months since Mary Anna was born and went to heaven. Praying and thinking of y’all today. Love all three of you!
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Matthew 11: 28-30

This is how we Keep Walking.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03559851267066311204 Beth