Today is August 23 to most people, but to me this is my Mary Anna’s due date. I have anticipated this date for months with so much expectation and joy. The last 6 weeks have caused me to dread today. I have wanted to erase it off the calendar and just move on. Unfortunately that is not an option. darn.
I kept wondering what I would feel or do or write about today, and I still do not know the answer to that question. I am pretty sure I am numb again. Dan got up to head to school, and I checked my phone, and I had a text that read:
His mercies are new each morning… even today… I love you
That is a
good best friend who sent me that at 5 am, so that I would wake up to the truth. I probably otherwise would have wanted to doubt his mercies today, but thankfully I can hear her in my head saying that over and over again.
I started writing a letter in my head to Mary Anna last night, and I could not find the words to say except this:
Good Morning Sunshine. I remember when my mom held you and sang, “you are my sunshine my only sunshine”. I wish I could sing that you, and you could see those lyrics hanging over your bed. Your BB and Doc gave you the prettiest picture that said that the day we found out that you were a girl. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I do not understand any of this. What I do know is that on July 14, I did get my sunshine, my only sunshine, and no one can take that sunshine away. I will miss my little Mary Anna forever.
“Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror, then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:12-13