As the leaves change, the weather cools off, and pumpkin everything is on every shelf, I find myself feeling like I am starting to grieve all over again. As I water my mums out front and set my pumpkins on my porch, I picture how 3 month old Mary Anna would look leaned against them for a quick instagram picture. Each party being planned and the thoughts of turkey and Christmas trees make me ache. It just does not seem fair. I begin to ask why again and again and again, and I weep writing this knowing how lonely these next few months will feel.
Sunday we sang the old hymn “Blessed Assurance”, and I have had those words in head ever since:
This is my story, this is my song
praising my Savior all the day long…
I can help but think, “Is this really my story?”. At times I am proud of my story and how well I feel like we are doing, but others I just want a pen and paper and want to re-write this whole ending. This whole part of our story where we learn to live each day without our baby girl. The part where we put up our Christmas tree without her here, and we eat our turkey on Thanksgiving without bouncing her on our knee. My heart just hurts.
Perfect submission, all is at rest!
I in my Savior am happy and blest,
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with his goodness, lost in His love.
All I really can do is rest in Him, and watch and wait. So as you set out your candy corn and switch out your closets, love the ones near to you well. Relish in each moment that you have and learn to be filled with His goodness and lost in His love.