Jan 27

The Truth at 100

I have not had much to say lately honestly, because I just do not know what to say. Finally after much needed time in prayer and in the word this morning, I decided to sit down and write what’s on my heart.  As I opened my little blog thing, it said that it was my 100th post. WHAT?! This gives me anxiety. My 100th post should be epic, and I feel anything less than epic these days. The Lord has called me to write and be vulnerable, and if I am honest, most days I already feel like people stare at me since I am “the girl that lost her baby”, so why on earth do I need to write? This blog has been both a blessing and a curse. It has molded me and taught me so much about myself, and yet, it has caused so much heartache and pain all at the same time. My heart is to follow the Lord, and as best as I know how, I trust His plan for us even when the world does not understand why we do or say or act the way that we do. Thankfully, the Lord is my judgment, so I rest in Him.

Have you ever sat in a room and seen everyone smiling and felt like you literally do not know how to muster up the strength to smile back?
Or prayed a prayer and thought to yourself that you do not have the strength to keep on praying?
Or given advice and thought to yourself that really you should stop giving the advice and start taking it?

Welp! That’s me lately. A song we sang yesterday said, “when the world around is smiling…”, and I thought to myself that everyone seemed happy at church, and I was not happy.

I have persevered through my devotionals of hope, and yet, I have felt so hopeless.

I have refused to stop praying, but while I pray, I find myself wandering off and hoping that others are praying for me, because I do not have the words to even know how or what to pray for.

All this to say, I haven’t blogged or been a good friend or been very productive in much of anything, because I just do. not. have. the. energy. I feel empty and sad. I want Mary Anna more and more everyday, yet I somehow always trust in the Lord’s plan.

Last week I had one of the worst weeks of my life since I lost my girl, and I literally starting sobbing like a baby in Academy Sports yep, that’s right in Academy for no reason, and I looked at Dan and said, “I am empty, and I am tired of being empty.”

Slowly as I hit rock bottom again, the words of wisdom from a very wise person in my life kept ringing in my head, “You always have to go back to the truth.” So, I decided that I was going to get out of myself and my feelings and remind myself what is true.

Be strong and courageous…
Be strong and very courageous…
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go….
Be strong and courageous.
Joshua 1:6-9

So with you; Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:22, 33

So the truth is that as Joshua says, I am to keep my eyes on Christ and not look to my right or to my left, but if my focus is on Him alone, then I will be successful. The catch is not success in the way the world ranks it, but as John reminds me, success in heaven. Hope in my salvation guarantees that I will indeed see Jesus again, since He overcame the world, and no one can take that away from me.
The truth is that I have been called to Keep Walking, and although I do not want to some days, I will. I will do it, because my Mary Anna continues to teach me how.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03559851267066311204 Beth

    You may think you have nothing to say – but your blog posts are always so well written. I hope and pray that you find your peace…Prayers for you.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17903505617726458663 Courtney Wilson

    Kari, have you seen this? http://graciebelleray.blogspot.com/2014/01/why-i-didnt-murder-my-baby.html Not sure if it would resonate at all but I did think of you!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11275349342750621623 danielle

    Love you milo!