I have not had much to say lately honestly, because I just do not know what to say. Finally after much needed time in prayer and in the word this morning, I decided to sit down and write what’s on my heart. As I opened my little blog thing, it said that it was my 100th post. WHAT?! This gives me anxiety. My 100th post should be epic, and I feel anything less than epic these days. The Lord has called me to write and be vulnerable, and if I am honest, most days I already feel like people stare at me since I am “the girl that lost her baby”, so why on earth do I need to write? This blog has been both a blessing and a curse. It has molded me and taught me so much about myself, and yet, it has caused so much heartache and pain all at the same time. My heart is to follow the Lord, and as best as I know how, I trust His plan for us even when the world does not understand why we do or say or act the way that we do. Thankfully, the Lord is my judgment, so I rest in Him.
Have you ever sat in a room and seen everyone smiling and felt like you literally do not know how to muster up the strength to smile back?
Or prayed a prayer and thought to yourself that you do not have the strength to keep on praying?
Or given advice and thought to yourself that really you should stop giving the advice and start taking it?
Welp! That’s me lately. A song we sang yesterday said, “when the world around is smiling…”, and I thought to myself that everyone seemed happy at church, and I was not happy.
I have persevered through my devotionals of hope, and yet, I have felt so hopeless.
I have refused to stop praying, but while I pray, I find myself wandering off and hoping that others are praying for me, because I do not have the words to even know how or what to pray for.
All this to say, I haven’t blogged or been a good friend or been very productive in much of anything, because I just do. not. have. the. energy. I feel empty and sad. I want Mary Anna more and more everyday, yet I somehow always trust in the Lord’s plan.
Last week I had one of the worst weeks of my life since I lost my girl, and I literally starting sobbing like a baby in Academy Sports yep, that’s right in Academy for no reason, and I looked at Dan and said, “I am empty, and I am tired of being empty.”
Slowly as I hit rock bottom again, the words of wisdom from a very wise person in my life kept ringing in my head, “You always have to go back to the truth.” So, I decided that I was going to get out of myself and my feelings and remind myself what is true.