Sep 07

The Juggle

It’s okay to ache and be full at the same time. We are living in the already/not yet of the kingdom coming. Everything you’re feeling is the gospel.
-r.s.m.

A dear friend texted me that yesterday…

I was sitting on the couch holding my itty on my legs and sobbing. She was peacefully looking at me and sucking her paci, and I could not do anything to stop the tears. I hugged her a few times, prayed over her, and kept crying.

All I could put my finger on was that grief is so draining. We’re going through a lot of transitions at our house right now, and transitions are hard, and they’re especially hard when you have little ones under your feet. I forget how heavy grief is until life gets harder, and then I realize that waking up everyday is hard, and then you throw a wrench in the machine…

I mean there’s nothing to really do but just say: damn.

I try not to cus, except for pressing moments like stubbing your toe so hard it bleeds or pouring coffee on your newborns head {not that I’ve ever done such a thing}, but I mean sometimes there’s no other word to describe it.

Just sayin….

If you’re more noble and proper than me, bless you. Maybe one day i’ll be like you.

It kinda hit me in the midst of my tears, thinking through all the changes, anger, happiness, etc., that everyone goes through stages of grief and hard times. It’s just a fact of life.

BUT

There are a few of us that walk with that grief everyday. Every. Single. Day.

It does not diminish the grief or hurt that others feel, but there’s this little club of people who have to learn how to cope with 24/7, 365 grief. That process is hard. Like really hard y’all. And the truth is that it’s not a my life is harder than yours game by any means, it’s just the reality.

The Lord has been reminding me so much lately that, as a friend of mine says all the time, that comparison is the thief of joy. She’s so right. I don’t compare, because I can’t. I don’t have friends who have lost their babies in their arms, and I would drown daily if I compared my loss to their life. So what I can do is cling to the promises of the King of Kings, and cry and cus from time to time and just try to…

Keep Walking

Even when I do feel like life is heavy… Thankfully my baby girl taught me that life’s just about taking that next step. Sometimes you start to step, you trip, maybe skin your knee, maybe even break a leg, but we all stand up and start walking again eventually.