The summer brings all of my favorite things such as: the water, ice cream, watermelon, sundresses, the beach (even though I go year round), sprinklers in the yard, and all the other beautiful things that we get to soak up on the long, hot days in the south. Almost five years ago, summer brought me the taste of being a momma to my first baby girl. It was the culmination of everything good here on earth.
Now as the days get longer and the temps get higher, I find my heart in a tug. I begin to dread July for another cake to purchase without our Mary Anna, yet I long to release balloons with my kiddies to remind them that we Keep Walking, and we keep loving no matter what life throws our way. I dread Mother’s Day, and spend a lot of time missing my first girl. I want to plan birthday parties for my other two summer babies, yet the juggle is hard, because it’s always a reminder of the one party that I don’t get to plan in the same way.
Summer is sweet. It really is.
We were singing “In Christ Alone” at church recently, and I mean if you are anywhere near a church you’ve heard this song, and even if you aren’t, you probably still have. It’s kinda like the modern-day “Amazing Grace”, and both are quality songs, but at times we can sing in monotony. Sometimes when I catch myself doing just that, I stop signing and just read the words and close my eyes and pray over what they really mean. So I did that a few weeks ago…
no guilt in life, no fear in death
this is the pow’r of Christ in me.
That’s been my problem for five years now, I have guilt in life and fear in death. Christ power removes that, yet I have held it with an iron fist. I have the RIGHT to fear death. It’s easy not to when you haven’t held your two-pound baby while they’re breathing and watch their heart stop in your arms to say that. I have the RIGHT to have guilt in life. How do I not? How do I really not fear death and not feel guilty for the lives before me?
Well truly I don’t have those rights. The song says it, only the power of Christ within me can do such a thing. Yet, the tears will and still do come. The sad days will be there. The gut wrenching feeling in my soul when we cut another cake without our precious angel doesn’t go away, yet in the struggle lately, Christ has continued to point my heart to the little lives in front of me, and help me enjoy and soak them up without guilt or fear and celebrate my Mary Anna without guilt or fear.
And as usual, we’re expecting another little life again in the summer time… It’s quite comical at times. I greatly respect that a little life is hard on a lot of mommas heart, who having a baby hasn’t been easy for them. I really do get it being raised as an adopted daughter with parents who couldn’t “naturally” have children. Yet, as I approached Mother’s Day this year, I told Dan it was so hard to joyfully accept another life at the same time when I’m missing Mary Anna.
I can’t wait to snuggle this new life. William and Mary Kathryn are thrilled for their new little baby who’s coming. So again. No guilt in life. No fear in death.
ONLY through Christ’s power within me.
The summer… it’s just been a roller coaster for us for a while now…
So here’s to popsicles and sprinklers and birthday cakes and new lives. Here’s to accepting that we can truly have no guilt in life and no fear in death thanks be to our King of Kings.
As we said our prayers the other night William asked me how Jesus get into his heart, and I told him that you just have to ask Him, and that HE never stops chasing His children.
W: So Jesus and Mary Anna both live in my heart?
I teared up and said: Yes buddy we carry them both with us everywhere, so we never have to be afraid.”
W: So Mary Anna and Jesus help us fight the bad guys?
Me: That’s right. They do all the fighting for us.