Dec 09

Sunday Thoughts

As sweet Audrey walked to the stage during the service with her violin in hand, I could feel the tears start welling up. I had no idea what she was about to play, and she began to play “O Holy Night” with a soft acoustic guitar and piano in the back ground.

There were no words, just music.

I shut my eyes, and began to wonder what Christmas was like in heaven.
Do they decorate?
Are there trees?
Do they give presents?
What is it like to spend Christmas with Jesus?

Tears began to flow at the thought of my baby girl having her first Christmas with Jesus.

What is she like?
Is she still a baby or is she already grown?
Does someone take care of her or is she self-sufficient?
Can she sing or play the violin flawlessly like Audrey does?

I do not know, and I will not know for a long time.

My emotions are such a mixture of inexpressible joy that my baby is healed and with Jesus in heaven at Christmas time, like can you really take that in, but also extreme sadness, because I will never get to see her on the stage at church, wrap her gifts and see her rip them open, read her the Christmas story on Christmas eve, or take her caroling.

Oh Lord, where is your sovereign plan in all of this? My heart is so confused.

The sermon came and went, and we began to take communion. I walked to the front of the church, and as Rick, our pastor, was holding the bread, I took a piece, and he looked into my eyes and softly said:

Kari, Christ’s body was given for you.

Then I walked across the front of the church, and Scott, one of the deacons, as I quietly grabbed a cup of juice said:
Kari, Christ’s blood was shed for you.

I knew at that moment what a Holy night my Mary Anna will spend in heaven. I miss her everyday, but it seems just a bit worse leading up to Christmas. At times, I catch myself not in a conversation, but my mind trailing off to her and what she would think about all the lights on the trees, her stocking that is hung, and the love of her mommy and daddy. The truth is that she sees Jesus all day everyday, and what a celebration it must be when the violin starts playing “O Holy Night” in heaven, and she can touch her Savior’s scarred hands, and she can hear Jesus say himself:
Mary Anna, my body was given for you.
Mary Anna, my blood was shed for you.