To be honest, it used to, sometimes still does, annoy me when people say to me “you’re strong.” I guess it bothered me, because I felt like they indirectly were saying that I was strong enough to handle losing my baby, but they weren’t.
There truly is not a single person on earth that is strong enough to walk through heavy grief. Not one person.
I knew it would annoy me when that comment would be thrown around, but until this morning I could not put my finger on why it always got under my skin.
It’s rainy today…
We’re all tired from a fun-filled weekend at home with people that we love…
Mary Kathryn is napping…
William was watching the iPad like a good 21st century toddler…
And I sat down to read. Yep. Read the Bible.
I wish I could say that I did it fervently for hours daily, but I just don’t, but today it all made sense…
The end of today’s reading in New Morning Mercies by PDT said this:
Sometime in the next week, you’ll be confronted with your weakness; when you are, you’ll either work to convince yourself you’re strong or you’ll run to the One who is.
And that’s when it hit me. I am not strong. I am not any stronger than anyone else is. I just learned that the only way to find the strength to get up each day without my sweet girl here was to run to the One who is strong.
Not all stories of grief are as extreme as mine, but that truth is what Mary Anna helped me learn. That I truly don’t have to be strong or try to be strong anymore. And PDT says it better than I could again:
He calls you to mountains too big to climb so that in your inability, you will look to Him.
I hate when the calendar says July. I really do. It reminds me of the days of fear leading up to Mary Anna’s birth, it causes a pit in my stomach remembering how joyful I was the day that she was born and not knowing what was to come, it makes me want to crawl in a hole dreading the day that I held her while she was leaving me, and then it’s William’s birthday a few days later….
I mean come on… I am always filled with guilt, because planning a party for him is too much, yet I want to celebrate him. But dang. It’s all too close together.
I am not strong y’all. You aren’t either. But He is.
Who among the gods is like you, O Lord?
Who is like you-
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed
In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.