Well I am not sure that you can quite call it a snow day yet, but there are some flurries outside, and our back porch looks white ish at the moment.
I just woke up from a nap, and I went into the den to read a bit. Dan was making fun of me last night, because I order a lot of books and never read them.
So in an attempt to prove him wrong, I sat down by myself in the quiet to read a little. I slowly opened a book called Rare Bird that a friend recommended to me about loss and grief, and I have avoided it because it gives me puffy eyes and makes me sad, but something about the cold and loneliness that I was feeling made me want to go there today.
So after checking instagram and getting annoyed at someone posting about why we should avoid sugar. Seriously? I mean i like sugar. I snuggled on the couch with my sad book.
I continued to read this moms recall of the day that her son died, and I wept.
I go back there from time to time, and when I do it hurts. The day my baby girl died was the worst day of my life.
So I stopped reading after a chapter or two like I always do, because I am not a good reader, and I began to eat an apple, because of that annoying girl on instagram saying that we should eat more salads, and I emptied the dishwasher and began to hate the snow. I hate the snow. I hate it.
Why you say?
Because it would have been Mary Anna’s first snow, and we are about to buy our first house, and we are about to have our first baby girl after her, and it seems like 2 1/2 years later that firsts would end, but they don’t. They come and they hurt.
Now my sweet William is awake, and my inner debate is if I should online shop, go to Target, or play in this snow that I have decided is really annoying me right now.
Grief just stinks.
I have been avoiding my feelings so much lately, because all of these firsts in a new town with new faces seem so daunting. The afternoons seem long with reruns of Curious George, and my sweet baby boy needs me now, and I just want to write and write, but I can’t. Because I am a mom. And mom’s don’t get snow days.
Thankfully since I don’t like snow days.