We have small group on Sunday nights, and frankly I wasn’t interested in going tonight. I was sad and frustrated and feeling like no one understood what we still are going through. D encouraged me to go, and on our ride there we saw the most beautiful sunset. I told D, “I wonder if Mary Anna sees the same sunsets that we do?’. I obliviously don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that each beautiful sunset that I see makes me miss her more. Something about the slight pinkness in them makes me think that she does that for me. Guess I will know one day.
We got to small group, and as I walked in, the room felt so full, but I was so empty
. I fixed some tea and slowly walked into the other room and sat down alone in the dark and cried. The buzz in the next room felt like an out of body experience, because the world keeps going without Mary Anna in it, and I hate that feeling. Sometimes I don’t want to be alone, but I’m not just ready to move on either. It’s just a feeling that you wouldn’t get unless you’ve been there. It hit me that I can’t expect people to understand when they just don’t.
The Lord went before us with the depth of our loss, because our small group leaders/adopted auburn parents/friends lost their first baby over thirty years ago. Little did we know that when they shared their loss with us over two years ago that we would know exactly how to relate to their tears. They’ve walked through our journey with us with our Mary Anna, and they have relived the loss of their baby boy. I’m sure that Drew and Mary Anna are friends now in heaven.
After everyone left tonight, she said, “What’s on your mind?”. I told her how I felt, and she told me that she could see it in my eyes when I walked into the house. So we wept together, and she identified with me, and it helped. The boys came in and cried with us too, and we prayed together. It reminded me that HE knew long before we did, and HE placed them in our lives to love us through this. We are eternally grateful to the gift that they are to us. They teach us how to keep walking.
I have set The Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.