I woke up today wanting to know more of who Christ is. I have been hesitant to write this post, because most of the people that I love dearly are pregnant or recently had a baby, and I would never want any of them not to know that my heart is full of love and support for them. The truth is that baby showers and births are hard for a lot of women who are in the midst of infertility, miscarriages, loss of a child, and even for single women, so I have felt like as I share my story, that I need to share it all, and this is part of it.
Yesterday I was a host of a baby shower to a VERY dear friend of mine. She has loved me so well through the loss of my girl, and I have wanted nothing else but to fully support her in the birth of her baby boy. I woke up sad yesterday not because I was mad at her or angry or even jealous, but purely because I thought that Mary Anna should be a part of that day. She should have either been with me or at home while my husband was trying his best to do it all right while mommy was gone, and she was neither. She is not here. My heart wants to be selfless and let it be all about Morgan, but y’all when grief hits, it hits. I cried all morning, the whole drive there, and as I parked I saw a friend waiting outside on me, and I fell into her arms sobbing. She told me to go home and that I had already done enough, and I said that I could do it, so I put on some lipstick and walked in. I was doing okay, and then another hostess said to me, “I have been praying for you all morning and you are a sweet friend to do this.” Insert losing it again. My friend walked back up to me as I realized that a baby girl was there who was about Mary Anna’s age, and I cried harder. I walked into the bathroom to try to get it together, and I did the best I could, and then I walked into the area where, by this point, most of the guests were all there and mingling, and another friend saw me and I lost it again. We walked back into the bathroom, and she told me to leave, and I just kept saying that I tried and that I was a bad friend for not staying, and she said, “Morgan understands, she knows you love her, and go home.” So I left. I walked out and saw another lady from our church and I began to fall into her arms and weep saying, “I just don’t get it, why is she not here…”
That was my final straw to know that I was not strong enough to do it. Although, I spent most of the rest of my day in extreme guilt. I want to be a selfless friend, and my heart hurt thinking that I was not strong enough to be there for my sweet friend. I want to love my friends who have loved me, and I tried, but my heart was fully there to do that, but I was weak. Morgan was gracious and loving to me and again loved me well. She would tell you that she is not sensitive, and that she is not good in times like this, but she lies. Her friendship and support yesterday was above and beyond, and she could have easily never forgiven me for not being able to hold it together, but she covered me with grace. I WILL celebrate the birth of her baby, and will love her as she finishes out her final days of her pregnancy.
This is what life is like when you walk together. She chooses to keep walking with me, and I will keep walking with her. As for my other friends who loved me so well yesterday, I woke up knowing the church is real. The community that the Lord has given us here during these dark days is overwhelming. I have never felt so lonely and loved at the same time. So today, I want to continue to love my friends, their babies, and the ones on the way too, who would have been Mary Anna’s friends. I want to love well, and I hope that I do that as best as I can right now. I went on a run this morning to blow off a little steam, and I listened to this song: