Today was our first day back at church since Mary Anna passed. We haven’t been avoiding church, but due to being gone a lot lately, we haven’t been in town on a Sunday yet. I woke up wanting to avoid church with my every being. I was tired, my head hurt, my body ached, and I did not want to deal with the emotions of walking through those doors. Against my will, I got up and took a shower and each step towards leaving for church I could feel my anxiety heighten.
I grabbed my coffee, Bible, and waterproof mascara and hopped in the car with Dan and started the dreaded drive. Sundays have always been happy days. I always look forward to Sundays, because they recharge my batteries for the week. The kicker is that my baby girl was born on a Sunday. We had her service at our church in the same room that we meet every Sunday. Now, Sundays are just hard. They remind me of her birth and her death. We get to church, and we walk in and Dan says, “here we go…”. We sit down, and I feel numb. I can’t sing, smile, or cry. I sit through the whole service without any emotion until we get to the end. Our church sings a song and during that song we do communion every week. The music starts to play, and I feel my stomach tighten, it’s Rock of Ages. It’s one of the songs that we sang at Mary Anna’s service. It makes my heart ache for her.
Dan and I had a miscarriage last summer that was very hard. The first Sunday that we walked into church afterwards they played this song at the same point in the service. I remember standing there and at the end when it says “your will be done”, thinking that I could not bear to sing that line. I had just recovered from losing a baby and how dare anyone think I should sing that. That song reminded me of the baby we lost, but slowly it gave us hope for the future and hope in the Lord.
We decided once we found out that we were pregnant with Mary Anna that we wanted that song sung at her baptism. It has always been special to us, a song of tragedy and triumph. So when it was time to plan her service after she passed, it was an easy decision to have that song sung.
Needless to say, I sobbed the whole song and never even sang one word. I sobbed the whole walk to communion and the whole walk back to my seat. I couldn’t help but think as I ate the bread and drank the wine that my Mary Anna has already seen the whole picture. I haven’t yet. I don’t get it. I miss her, and I am angry.
All I know for sure is that, Rock of Ages, YOUR will be done.
Again, I took a step out of the churches doors and decided to Keep Walking.