Dec 31


As I have reflected on my last post, I still am shocked at times at the things that I actually admit on this little blog here. Thankfully, I do have a filter, because if I am totally honest the angriest or most disappointed that I have been seems to come across much tamer on the internet. Not sure if that makes my faithful readers impressed or think, “whew! I do not want to be her!” Don’t worry, I do not want to be me a lot of days either. I tend to argue with the Lord a lot when I start to write hard things, because I have felt very called to be transparent and tell my full story, but at times I feel too vulnerable. What about so and so who I really do not want to read this or what about that person that I think that I have convinced that I am perfect and if they find out I am blogging, they will quickly learn that I am not and my cover will be blown?

I am an extrovert.
I love people.
I need people.
Relationships are very important to me.

As I hear my own words in my head, “I am disappointed in some relationships and that some people have not cried with me”, I wonder why is that? Like I have said, I have spent the past few days slightly regretting publishing what is hard for me right now, and I have also wondered why I have felt the way that I have/do. It hit me last night as Dan and I were reading the Word together before bed. I am resting in people more than God. Now, people that is easy to say, but it is not easy to do. My disappointment should be in myself, that even in the depths of my grief, my sinful nature still for some reason can not learn to fully rely on my King.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
And as I read this morning and fought writing this post that would again expose the reality of how broken that I am, this verse that I memorized probably in elementary school came to me, and quietly the Lamb of God said to me, “Come… sit… stay with me… rest in me… I love you, and I have already fixed this… no one will give you peace like I will.” So, as we enter 2014 tonight without our Mary Anna, and as we try to gain the courage to look at a new year and wonder if it could ever get worse that losing her, I am challenging myself and anyone who is willing to look to Him alone. As hard as it is coming from the person who frets about her friendships more than anyone I am sure, look only to Jesus to make you feel better. Trust only in Him for comfort and peace. And if you do, you will slowly see the good things in your relationships taste a little sweeter and the bad things you do not seem to notice as much.
The day Mary Anna was born, I checked my C.S. Lewis ap on my phone, and this is what it read:
… we have not the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us.
Keep Walking
because she keeps teaching us how.

  • Beth

    Happy New Year to you!! You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit. You and Dan (and you entire families) continue to be in our prayers.