Oct 13

Pumpkins

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I know people get tired of the whole pumpkin obsession, but I 100% don’t. Like please when fall comes, give me pumpkin EVERYTHING! I mean it. Thanks.

I try not to eat bagels and cream cheese daily for the sake of my thighs and everyone who has to look at them, but today I was/am in a funk. It can’t be shaken. I bought pumpkin cream cheese and cinnamon raisin english muffins, because I was at Trader Joe’s, and that store just gets why everything should come in the form of pumpkin.

Sunday night I texted my mom and asked her to come Monday morning, because I just couldn’t do Monday alone this week. She came, we got a flu shot, went to target, and we got pumpkins.

All of these things make me happy, but they also make me ache. I realize as the air is slowly turning crisp and the days keep getting shorter, that there is this pit in my stomach that I just can’t seem to shake. Hence the funk today.

I miss my girl.

She would be 3, and she would love pumpkins. Because her momma does. Her tiny white pumpkin sits on our porch right now, and I just smile picturing her carrying it around and giggling.

A friend texted me this last night…

To the grieving parent: On the days when no one but you mentions their name, I am so, so sorry. Say their name bravely. Know that they are still real, they were still here, and you are still theirs.
-unknown

 

So that’s what I am going to do today. Eat my cream cheese and say Mary Anna proudly. It won’t take the funk away or make my head hurt any less, but at least I can know that she was real, she was here, and she is still mine.

Mary Anna,

My angel pumpkin girl. I miss you so deeply. I love the cool weather, and all I want to do today is order cozy sweaters from anthro, eat pumpkin things, and hold your tiny little hand. It hurts so bad to live without you here with us. I love you. I love you. I love you.

-your momma

Keep Walking.