I wish that at the seven month period of grief that I could look someone in the eyes, and say at this point it gets a little easier, but that would just be a lie. The thing that is the hardest to process at this moment are the dreams that we placed in our heads for our baby girl. As any mom or dad would understand, when you find out the gender of your child, you begin to plan and hope and dream. Really as soon as you find out that you are pregnant. For me with Mary Anna, I would dream of tea parties, our first pedicure, picking out a prom dress, or finding her walking around in my high heels. Dan instantly began to stress about having to give her away at the altar one day, and he dreamed of dancing with his baby girl.
Each dream was real, and it was our hope in her life, but none of those dreams will come true on this earth. As someone told me who lost her firstborn over thirty years ago that she still sees boys that would have been his age, and it makes her heart ache. I know no matter how many children that the Lord blesses us with, that we will always grieve the dreams that we had for our baby girl.
The hardest part about being pregnant right now is trying to allow myself the freedom to dream again, and yet the freedom to still grieve the dreams that we had for our precious angel in heaven. We are currently processing what all of this means, and it just plain hard.
A lot of people ask if I am happy to be pregnant, and I truly with every piece of me am full of joy for this little baby that’s starting to kick in my belly, but our joy comes with sorrow at the moment.
As Dan said to me recently, “It’s like the song that I love… I danced with Cinderella, and all too soon the clock struck midnight, and she was gone.” Sometimes its all just so overwhelming. Keep Walking.