“So… have you started getting your nursery ready?”
Awkward look on someones face… “Have you like made changes… ya know… in the nursery yet?”
“So what will you do with all of Mary Anna’s things….”
I am not sure.
“Do you think you should change some things…”
These are the questions that I get so much recently as I am nearing my third trimester. Some are asked in sincerity and some out of other reasons, but I appreciate that people care. I truly do. As my belly cannot go unnoticed and the emptiness in my heart continues to grow for my girl, it is a reminder that we are in serious limbo at our house.
We prepared a full place for our Mary Anna. And it reminds me of what Jesus did for her too. And I know that He is preparing Dan and I a place with our sweet girl and our Savior.
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also my be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.
As I have said before, we did not have any idea that our girl was going to go to heaven so soon after her birth. We knew that we had some challenges ahead, but they were all manageable, and at the time we thought that they all had to do with an orthopaedic issue on one of her legs. That is what we prepared our hearts for, and so we chose to move forward and get her space ready. There was no reason not to. She was coming, and we needed to get her space ready.
I remember looking at my mom the last day in the hospital and asking if I should return all the gifts and how to handle that situation. We felt/still do feel so guilty, robbed, and confused.
When we walked back into our house for the first time, D and I walked upstairs quietly, and we just looked at her beautiful space and wept. She was supposed to occupy that place, yet she was not with us.
Now, I have no regrets at all for fully preparing, and I feel like having a nursery ready has been one the most healing parts for us. We now encourage anyone with uncertain outcomes to still fully prepare, because you know what? When we doubt her short life or feel like it’s all a dream, we walk into her room, and it was real. She was real. She is real.
As beautiful and loved her little room is, I can not even try to fathom the place that Jesus prepared for her. I have a feeling he outdid me a little! It’s comforting that just as we were preparing a place for our baby girl, the King of Kings was doing the exact same thing.
So, as I said earlier, we are not making any major changes to the nursery. Thankfully I chose neutral colors before, and we are leaving it the same. Slowly William’s things will be placed next to his big sisters, and we hope that many more children use that crib, and as we rock them in my favorite rocking chair that we picked out with MAC in mind, then we will tell them about her and help them know her and love her like we do.
Eventually I will have to empty the drawers of Mary Anna’s sweet outfits, but right now my heart is not ready. Dan and I agree that we will take these steps when we can, and there is no time line or rush. We are slowly starting a stack of things for little William in our guest bedroom, and so we indeed are preparing for him as well.
I truly believe Mary Anna is always with us and always a part of us, so she will always be a part of our little family.
As we prepare for William and our hearts break over Mary Anna, we have the assurance of a place in heaven. You do too. Jesus is just as real as my sweet angel is.
She lived. He lived. She died and went to heaven. He died and went to heaven long before her and prepared a place for her. And for you.
Amen. Keep Walking.