Oct 22


I will never forget the moment at about 2 a.m. that the doctors explained to us that blood was filling Mary Anna’s lungs and that she could not breathe on her own anymore. I couldn’t breathe either. They told us that they had to put the tubes in her little mouth and that they probably wouldn’t be coming out. I still couldn’t breathe. I prayed fervently for healing. We believed together. Healing was not going to happen on this earth, but her healing came in heaven.

The day we got home from the hospital, I remember saying to my parents that I was just so frustrated, because I had truly prayed and believed in her healing. Even before I knew that it was going to be fatal, during my entire pregnancy, I prayed and believed. I have thought so much that it just was so unfair, because so many people do not pray for their children, but I prayed for my daughter. Unreal. My mom told me that she knew that I had prayed everyday, because I used to call her on my way to work each morning, and she realized that when I stopped calling, it was because I was praying the whole ride to work. It never hit me that I consciously stopped calling her, but I did. Sometimes I would walk into work with tears in eyes, because I was so moved during my time with the Lord. I prayed.

There have been times ever since that I want to just quit this prayer crap. I want to forget it all, but I just can’t. Many times I want to pray, but I just don’t know how to pray, and you know what, you don’t have to know what to say all the time.

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
Romans 8:26-27

Many mornings, I lay in bed and just stare and think before I get up. This morning I was thinking that I know that He does answer prayer, but it is hard when his answer to prayer means the death of your baby girl. He keeps telling me that I can’t fully know why.
The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law.
Deuteronomy 29:29
Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Romans 11:34

Prayer is important. It is our conversation with the King of Kings. It’s an open dialogue. I heard a sermon once where the pastor was saying to stop with all these lofty prayers, and start just talking to God all day long. I do that now. And sometimes I shouldn’t even repeat my prayers, because they are real and raw and can be harsh, but guess what? I think of all people, the creator of the universe can handle the REAL us. So even though I struggle with praying, I still do it, and all the while, the Spirit is praying in accordance with me. Prayer is real and powerful. It doesn’t change God, it changes us. He remains faithful.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.
Job 1:21