My dear friend,
You ask how I work through my emotions practically. The truth is that there is nothing practical about what you and I live everyday. Yesterday you looked at a picture of your baby boy free of wires, monitors, and genetic tests from a year ago, but the reality of what your life is like now compared to that picture last year is so different. You see, I have a similar picture of my Mary Anna, and the next day we had wires, monitors, and genetic tests, and the next day she was in heaven. Your baby boy and my baby girl’s stories are different, yet our hearts are so intertwined, because we want the same things, but is there really an answer to get there? Honestly, I do not think so without Jesus.
Jesus wept. John 11:35
I do not think that Jesus really HAD to weep, but it was a choice to show us how real the pain on this earth is to him. He knew, my friend. He wept for you and for me and for all the other brokenness here. What your baby boy lives in day-to-day is because our world is so broken, and why my baby girl died at 4 days old is because our world is so broken.
Someone recently asked my mom if I was over everything. You know all too well how those questions make your heart feel. We never get over watching our babies suffer. We never get over baby showers, first birthday parties, healthy births, the baby aisle at Target, holidays, and the list goes on. The truth is that even though we both have healthy babies too, the pain of our sick babies makes us never be able to truly think practically.
So how do I do it you ask? I just don’t. I weep like Jesus did every time I need to let it out. I stay in bed too long some days, because the pain is too great. I cry the whole way to events, and then get out and put a smile on my face, because that is what we are expected to do. Some weeks in church I am in a fog, because I wonder if people know the pain that I live with everyday. I look back at those few healthy pictures of my girl and yell at heaven asking WHY. There is no practical here.
I love you friend. I love your baby boy. We pray for healing on this earth for him, and we pray that y’all never feel the pressure to act practically, because the world says we need to move on, but heaven says we can sit at the throne and weep with Jesus.
Mary Anna’s mommy