I almost started writing something like, “WOW! we have been sooooo busy lately!”, but then I quickly got annoyed at myself. For starters, aren’t we all busy? And with that, why are we so busy? Sometimes I think the term “Sorry, I’m busy” is just an excuse, but that’s beside the point. Life is crazy for us all, and I am trying to cherish these days and not stay so “busy”.
Daddybear has been working a lot lately, so this month has been quite an adjustment for all of us. We miss daddy, and daddy misses us.
It has caused me to again “busy” myself a lot trying to take up the extra time that he is gone, and this morning as I started my first Sunday morning routine of getting ready for church alone, I got sad. Sundays are just plain hard for me and as I look forward to the next few years, I realize that me and the kiddos will have to go to church alone some here and there. I started thinking that I could busy myself this morning with all the things that I could do real quick, or I could stop and write and think and prepare for worship…
So… here I am. Not being busy, but thinking.
Not long after my Mary Anna went to heaven, a friend said to be about her newborn, “I am anxious to get to know her personality.” I remember in that moment feeling defensive thinking:
really… I mean I know Mary Anna and she only lived 4 days…
or did I know her?
It was one of those things that I wrestled with for a long time when I would hear people discuss their kids personalities. I wanted to know Mary Anna so badly. I wanted to know what made her happy and sad, and I just did not want to admit that I did not know her personality. All I really knew was that she was a fighter, which was enough, but sometimes it just was not /is not enough.
As I was doing my normal routine this morning with William, I started thinking about his little personality, and it hit me how much more I know about him than I do/did know about my sweet girl.
It breaks my heart, and my friend was right, it takes time to get to know someone, even your own child. I miss so much about learning who my girl is/was.
W is calm unless he’s ready for the next thing. Pretty much like his daddy! Chill until it’s time to eat, and when it’s time to eat it’s like…. “SERIOUSLY!!! I SAID I AM HUNGRY!!”. Chill until he’s ready to go to sleep, and hello people! please put the baby to sleep! And when he’s ready to play, he plays harder than any 3 1/2 the half makes a difference right now thank you month old that I have ever seen!
Ya know… I guess I am really grieving not knowing everything about my sweet girl, all the while trying to enjoy getting to know my W more and more each day.
Through this, I do what I usually do and boycott prayer and the Word, because it’s just fair right? I am sad and want to stay here, so I should just run, run, run, because I CAN!
During my debate in my head, the Lord calmly reminded me of that feeling of missing my Mary Anna, and showed me that it is just the same with him. Without the time with him, I do not truly know Him. I can’t just assume He is who I think He is, but I have unbusy my “busy” little self and learn everything about Him.
How can I be like Him if I do not know Him?
My sweet Bible study of moms on Wednesdays is my weekly boost of energy these days, and I want to leave you with the passage that has changed me lately:
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to HIS power that is at work within us, to HIM be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
Ephesians 3: 20-21
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