Nov 26

Packing

I do not want to pack for thanksgiving, because it is a reality that Mary Anna will not be there. This was supposed to be our first holiday with her, and we are supposed to be figuring out how to jam all her stuff in our car, but we aren’t. I keep trying to muster up the strength to pack, but instead I end up laying in the bed crying and watching all her videos. When I want to know that she was real, I press play, and I can hear her breathing and know that she existed. I know it sounds crazy, but unless you have been here, it is so easy to feel like this was all a dream, but then again I hate when it feels like a dream, because she was very real. I want to be holding this girl while I pack.

Today has been hard, because I know of quite a few friends grieving their babies that they lost too soon, and it makes this upcoming day so tough for so many. As I prayed over a few dear girls to me earlier, I could not help but think now much our Father loves children if He keeps calling these babies home to Him. He knows that He can rescue them, and He chooses to bring them to be with Him. Part of recognizing that God is sovereign is knowing that this is a part of His plan. I am so thankful that my King rescued my baby girl.

Mary Anna,
My sweet angel. I miss you so much. I wish you were here, and I want you to know that the one thing that I am thankful for right now is YOU. You are the reason that I keep walking, and you make me want to be the best version of myself. Today I was telling one of your sweet “aunts” about how sad that I was in anticipation of Thanksgiving without you, and she told me that this is not plan B. That this was the Lord’s plan and, that He is sovereign. I am so thankful that He is holding you, and that you were the plan for you daddy and I. You are not plan B. My girl, you were so strong, so I will be strong right now for you. I miss you so very much my little turkey.
With every ounce of love in my heart,
Your mommy 
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.
Revelation 21:4