I am just mad. Really Really MAD right now. I am not a huge Halloween fan and never have been. I’m not against it or anything, but I just don’t really care for it. Therefore, I had psyched myself up to think that today would not be hard, because naturally I don’t like Halloween, so I won’t miss Mary Anna today. WRONG. Dang-it. I just want a little tiny pumpkin in my arms. Instead in order to avoid my emptiness, I decided to clean my house, and I do not want to be cleaning my house. Then, I sat down to write in between dusting and I feel like if I wasn’t me that I would not want to read my own blogs, because they are just too sad, but the truth is that this is how I feel. I wish my blogs were full of fun recipes and trendy outfits, but a lot of times they are just full of tears.
I weep as I write and clean today.
There’s a podcast that my dad has encouraged us to listen to by Chip Ingram called “Trusting God When God Doesn’t Make Sense.” I figured that I would listen to it, because I want to trust, but I feel like He’s not making sense right now. I encourage you to listen to it. He said that so often we want God to solve the big problems in our lives, and what God is saying is, I want to give you a better gift. I realize that as I prayed for healing God would not heal, because he had something better in store for us. He had Mary Anna. She was our gift.
We have a party to go to tonight, and I have acted like I didn’t have an outfit to wear, and I think it’s because I have been avoiding how sad it really is that I do not get to dress up my baby girl today. I know it is so trivial and so lame, but as Chip Ingram said, sometimes God let’s our problems go from bad to worse in order that we might believe. I feel like our past two years have been bad, and they got worse on July 17th when we lost Mary Anna, and we are realizing it all got worse in order that we might believe. We do believe. Even here in the pain, emptiness, loneliness, and without our little pumpkin, we believe.