Oct 06

Not Today…

Today as I walked into church I thought that I could do it, but I just could not. I tried. I stood there for the first two songs, listened to a prayer, and then looked at Dan and said, “I can’t do it today.” He handed me the keys, and I walked out. I drove home weeping and swerving because I was so sad that I could not drive straight. I opened the door, ripped off my stupid skirt and heels, and walked upstairs and put on yoga pants and fell into my rocking chair in my baby girl’s nursery. I wept for her. I cried out to the Lord in anguish and deep rooted anger. WHY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I went to church today for you, but I just don’t want to do it right now. I want to scream and yell and tell everyone that SHE IS STILL NOT HERE. Stop smiling and stop singing these words of these songs that promise hope and rest.
Although you probably are thinking that I am crazy, which at times I think that I am, I opened the Word of God. The infinite, infallible Word of my creator, of Mary Anna’s Creator, and He spoke to me. He told me that He gets it. He told me that he is weeping with me and loving me a little bit more right now. I ended my anger spell in humility and trust again. HE always seems to bring me back to Him. I think that I needed this time this morning to just be alone with the Lord and trust in Him. Not to be at church appearing to be o.k. in my trendy little outfit and my pretty red lips, but alone with puffy eyes in my yoga pants at the foot of the cross.
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him.
Hebrews 4:16, 5:7-9

Dan kinda started this hard day, because before church he told me that he was sad. I hopped into the car with my game face on, and I turned on this song that has been touching my heart lately:

The part where it says, “Twas He who taught me thus to pray, and He, I trust has answered prayer, but it has been in such a way as almost drove me to despair.” I told D that I know that Mary Anna was such an answer to prayer, but that answer has driven us to such despair. We pray for rest. Then I told him about how not long after Mary Anna passed away that I was crying and saying that I could not take another hit, and Melissa said to me, “Kari, I know that you say that you took another hit, but God is saying I didn’t give you a hit, I gave you a blessing. So Mary Anna was not a hit, she was a blessing.” So in the depth of despair, we know that He has answered our prayer and given us a blessing.
Keep Walking.
“That thou mayst find thy all in me.”


  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02960131201035822206 Jessica Hanson

    Even in utter weakness and despair you appear so strong! You are following right along with your theme. You inspire me and I’m sure so so so many other strangers, family members, and your friends.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02960131201035822206 Jessica Hanson

    I shared your blog with my student Kara tonight. She is researching abortion for her “Modest Proposal” research. I am sure it will touch her immensely, enriching her paper and her personally.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03559851267066311204 Beth

    Hugs to you and Dan! You are in my prayers.