Jan 01

New Years

Happy New Years!

I know everyone says this, but I truly can’t believe that it’s 2018. It feels like yesterday that we were worried that Y2K was going to shut down the world, and that was 18 years ago. 18. What the mess.

We don’t make a huge to do out of New Years around here, but we did manage to have some of those blow horns {why my mom got them when we have a 3-year-old… yeah… about that…}, some lovely plastic necklaces, oh and I made some chocolate pudding with whip cream. Dan was working ER, so I was alone with the kids all day and night, and needless to say we didn’t even consider making it to midnight! Well I guess D did, but he was in surgery ringing in the new year.

It’s oddly cold here in Alabama, and yesterday morning I took the kids to church alone. It was drizzling rain, and it was around 20 something degrees, and I was lonely and a little bored as I drove. I was playing some worship music from Spotify, and as I was thinking and driving, I happened to look up to see the funeral home that took care of Mary Anna’s body.

I burst into tears remembering those early days after losing her. Calling funeral homes. Debating cremation. Having her tiny body transferred to Auburn from Birmingham. All the haunting details.

I’ll never forget the owner of the funeral home not charging us a penny. He literally did it all for free. It is a gift that we could never repay, and he’ll never understand how that kindness will always affect us.

I’ll never forget walking in there in my late 20s, and thinking HOW THE HELL AM I IN A FUNERAL HOME SIGNING PAPERS FOR MY BABY.

We’ve been visiting a new church and driving that way to church for as long as we’ve been back in Auburn, but somehow I just noticed it yesterday. As I cried driving by, the rain was coming down, and the kids were hauntingly quiet in the back seat, and this song came on:

I cried a little harder.

I wasn’t there when the world was created, and I wasn’t there when he created Mary Anna’s body and chose the number of her days. Some days I think that I was, because I carried her and birthed her and she was mine, but I forget in reality that she’s not mine. She is HIS.

Although I had no right to ask, my God knelt and answered me.

I spent the rest of the day tearing up off and on, but my two babies are just used to seeing momma cry. And that’s o.k.

D walked in tired with bloodshot eyes this morning, and without me telling him about my day, he said to me: “New Years is just hard… I miss Mary Anna… It’s another year without her.”

We all carry around burdens that are too much to bear on our own. This year, I want to be more generous to myself with my grief and help others do the same. I posted this on my instagram yesterday morning, and this is my theme for 2018:

 

Keep Walking.