I remember the days after Mary Anna went to heaven saying to Dan, “I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE ON.”. So many people would say things like, “It will get better.” or “You will move on from this.”, and the thought of moving on was all sorts of wrong in my head. It has taken me a lot of time to understand what “moving on” meant. I do not know what it means for everyone or exactly what people meant when they would say those things, but I am slowly learning what that means for me.
I did not want to move on, because I thought that moving on meant forgetting her or losing her or not allowing her to be a part of us. What I realize is that I can slowly let my guard down, love others, open my heart back up to babies, be vulnerable with my friends, go in public, etc. When I do those things, I can still carry her with me. Getting back to my new normal or moving on as some would say, does not mean letting my baby girl go, it just means that it’s o.k. to laugh again or enjoy life again.
Now as I do those things, I see that I still do not look at the world the same or enjoy all the same things, and I certainly do not do anything without thinking of Mary Anna. All of this is a process, and as so many people say to me, “I just don’t know what to do or say”. I tend to laugh at times and want to say, “UHH Do you think I know what to do or say!!”. Sometimes as the world keeps moving I feel so lost in all of the shuffle, but slowly I learn to just be thankful that I was given such a blessing and learn to join in the shuffle little by little. I am learning how to keep walking just as much as the people around us are learning how to keep walking with us.