I did something twice this week that I have not done in a while, and that was instead of turning on the Today Show while I sleepily drank my coffee, I opened the Word.
Baby William is 6 weeks old today, and I finally feel like I can make it with this little guy who needs me all day everyday. Every parent out there knows this feeling of immense joy with immense responsibility. My mind has been filled with so much happiness, sorrow, inadequacy, and just plain confusion lately. I have tried to be in the Word, and it just has not happened. I downloaded a little devotional AP on my phone to read and it made me fall asleep, and I even tried reading Psalms while nursing, and yeah that did not quite work either. This week I have felt my need for the Lord stronger than ever. So like I said, I decided to dust off my devotional that I have been reading for close to a year now and see what it had to say.
Well Wednesday it had the audacity to talk about God not answering your prayers, and today again, it mockingly talked about the need to be in the Word.
It’s what I needed. I have struggled with praying for and over William, because why does it even matter? If He, the great healer, took my Mary Anna, then what is prayer even for? That attitude has led me down the slippery slope of thinking that I did not need to be in the Word either.
Yeah. Not true. Not good.
As my journey of being a first time mom to a baby in my home has begun, I have started the grieving process all over again just as strongly as the day that I lost my Mary Anna, and honestly after losing her I was more diligent in staying in the Word and prayer than I have been recently.
People, we can not do this. I can not do this. We need it more than ever. We need his truth and his mercy covering us everyday.
Even though I knew the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego from Sunday School, I had never seen the part in scripture where they told the King that even if he threw them in the fiery furnace that God will save them, but that is not the kicker. They went on to say…
But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.
What! Where was that dear Sunday School teacher? Even if he does not? Really? I thought the story was about faith and God saving his people. Well, yes and no. It is about faith and God saving his people, but his people having the same faith whether their prayers were answered or not.
The prayer of faith is one of submission to God that does not presume to know what God will do or tell him what he should do.
Because they knew God and trusted God, they believed he would do what is right, even if it resulted in their death. Their commitment was not to read God’s mind but to remain true to God no matter what.
-Nancy Guthrie, Book of Hope
**if you are not familiar with the story of Daniel, read chapter 6 in the book of Daniel
So that happened Wednesday, and I went on chewing on that and again yesterday decided that even though all of this was true and good that I was strong enough on my own until this morning. W was nestled in his swing napping with his precious “You make me happy when skys are grey” pj’s on, and I did it again. I opened it up to read about why we need the Word embedded in our souls. Guthrie does it again:
That is why he has given you his Word. It is not meant to be drudgery you force-feed yourself because you know it is good for you. He intends for his Word to be a lavish and satisfying feast, an invigorating taste sensation, a treat. But we so easily turn what he has given as a delightful gift into a gulit-inducing demand.
We are all fragile. Satan is running around looking for self-righteous people like me who are too wounded to need Jesus, and he attacks right when we put our hearts in that place. I have been letting him hit me over and over again while I am exhausted, missing my girl, feeling like I will never grasp this parenting thing, and feeling very judged. And then Jesus walks into my home, swings open the door, and tells me quietly, “Kari, stop turning on the Today Show, stop worrying about the laundry, do not go on a walk, and sit here, sit with me and only me and listen. I love you. I love Dan. I love Mary Anna. I love William. Stop running.”
And when I listen. It is good. It is what I need.
I instagramed this sweet picture of my baby boy the other day with the caption:
Because of his big sister, I love this face so much more, but because of this face, I miss his big sister so much more. Keep Walking.
The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul.
The statues of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple.
The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
The ordinances of the Lord are sure and all together righteous.
They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb.
By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward.
Psalms 19: 7-11