Jul 11

Mad

I am just mad today.

Just flat mad.

I caught myself being mad at everyone in my life for no plain reason. Well, I mean the reason is that Mary Anna’s birthday and the anniversary of her death are all happening in the next 7 days, and I just dread all of them.

I have been stuck. I can’t print Mary Kathryn’s birth announcement. I can’t plan William’s 2nd birthday party. I just can’t.

Today after my heart was just cold at life, I decided to go on a run. Dan was on a bike ride while the babies were napping, so I greeted him at the door ready to go.

He said, “I think you need some fresh air, so go run…” I said, “bye”.

I started running during the hottest part of the day as fast as I possibly could. I am 5 weeks post partum, and I have very little stamina, but I just ran.

With this song on repeat.

baby, i’m not moving on, i’ll love you long after you’re gone

I ran fast.

and long after you’re gone, gone, gone

And faster.

for you, for you…

I remembered the way she looked the moment she was born, and how happy my heart was.

you’re my back bone, you’re my cornerstone, you’re my crutch when my legs stop moving

Hear little noises were in my ears, and my eyes could see only her eyes.

you’re the pulse that I’ve always needed

And I fell. I fell flat on my face. I scraped my knee, leg, both hands, and there was blood dripping off my finger.

like a drum baby don’t stop beating 

I stood up, and I started running again. Sobbing. I kept running.

like a drum, my heart never stops beating…

I ran until I could barely breathe.

for you

I was mad, because I just want her back. I want my Mary Anna in my arms, not in my memory.

baby, i’m not moving on, i’ll love you long after you’re gone

I opened the door, walked in, and burst into tears again. My sweet babies and hubs greeted me, and they were what I needed.

Grief hurts.

I showed D my wounds, and he tenderly said, “Somehow, this is just fitting karebear. I am sorry. But.. this would happen.”

I’m hurting literally and physically.

i’ll love you long after you’re gone, gone, gone. my sweet Mary Anna.

Keep Walking.