Feb 26


As I woke up the morning of Mother’s Day last year, I read a little in the bed, and I began to pray. I do not remember all that I read or prayed that morning except that I remember tears running down my face and praying, “Lord, I just wish today, on Mother’s Day, that I would feel Mary Anna kick…. Amen.”

We were at the beach for that week in May, and I am a lazy bones, and Dan is a morning person. I sleepily made my way down to the beach with my first “mom” tervis in my hand, from my mom, full of hot coffee. D had me a chair ready, and the breeze was cool, and he told me happy Mother’s Day, and I proudly showed him my new cup. We chatted a bit, and as I got settled next to him and the waves, I began to cry.
Now D can handle my tears, especially by this point. We were scared, yet so full of hope anticipating our baby girl. After all, two miscarriages later to be finally sitting on this special day honoring moms with Mary Anna in my belly, we were so thankful. I did indeed still have a “daddy” coffee cup sitting at home in our closet from the year before, when both Mother’s and Father’s Day rolled around, and we were reminded that we lost yet another baby.

Dan asked me what was wrong, and I said, “She just kicked!” He quickly put his hand on my belly, and he could feel it too! I began to cry harder as I confessed my silly, selfish prayer that I had just prayed minutes before requesting to feel our baby girl kick. Of course, he told me that it was not silly to pray for that, and that we could be assured that the Lord listens to all of our prayers. So for the rest of that trip, I could feel her kick here and there, but only when we were next to the sea. It’s like she shared the same love for the vast waters that her mommy and daddy have.

But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 
James 1:6

The truth is that for months, it had been very hard for me that I could not feel Mary Anna kick or move at all. All the apps were telling me long ago that it was time to feel your baby move, the doctors and nurses would ask, all my friends who were pregnant around that time were feeling their babies move, and I felt nothing. I would catch myself lying to people or doctors, because I wanted her to be kicking so bad, and it broke my heart each time to say, “no” again and again and again, so sometimes I would just say “yes”.

That is why all I wanted on my first Mother’s Day was to feel my sweet angel moving.

I wanted her to be strong enough to be able to kick, and I wanted her to defy all odds. I was tired of her fitting the laundry list of sick babies, and I wanted her to fulfill the laundry list of what healthy babies did. Now that I know what I know, I realize how strong my baby was to live and fight as long as she did.

She did indeed defy all odds.

This is why we chose to give Mary Anna’s body back to the Lord and to the sea after she went to heaven.

Now as I embark on a normal pregnancy, as soon as my app tells me that something is about to happen, it usually already has, and every time we get measurements done, he is ahead of schedule not behind. While Dan and I both rejoice in this gift, you might not understand this, and I do not expect you to, but it is almost harder to grieve our baby girl, because we realize the differences in her life in and out of the womb.

When I feel him kick and move, I cry, because I am happy, yet I am so sad that Mary Anna never did these things. As I see him on an ultrasound, what a blessing! He is AHEAD on weight. What? Yet, I leave and I cry again, because I realize how my little girl was special, and she was made unique, and her days were numbered small. At times I feel a little naive that I kept believing so fiercely, when all the odds were against us, but the truth is that I really never regret giving my all to my angel.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
Psalms 62:5

I remember my mom and dad saying not long before delivery, “We know that she will be healed, and we believe it with all our heart.” Mary Anna was healed by Jesus, and this new joy of a baby will be healed one day too. We all will. It seems he might stay with us longer and create more memories here on earth with us, which we are so thankful for, but we eagerly anticipate the day, when our whole family will be united in heaven. It is our hearts longing, but while we are here, we will continue to swim through the deep waters and cling tight to the memories with our girl and love this baby fully.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised!
Job 1:21