I go through these breaks from writing from time to time, because sometimes I am just at a loss for words and other times life feels too crazy to allow myself the time to sit down and write. There’s been this burden on my heart to decide why I write still. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? Do I need to feel like someones still listening to my sadness? Why??
And then through some gloomy weeks of the ups and downs of life, today it hit me. The strength to Keep Walking after the deepest loss that I have ever faced was one that did not come naturally. It was a choice by Dan and I.
A choice for our marriage, our future kids, our family, our friends, our community.
A choice to Keep Walking.
As I was listing off to a friend today all the things that felt hard in my life lately, she told me how my story of loss encouraged her in ways that I never knew, and in that little text it reminded me that our stories are to be written and told.
I started a Lent study by a company called She Reads Truth, and their studies are great, but sometimes they’re long. I try to get them from time to time, because I am more diligent in my readings when they’re set out in front of me. I wish I was a 5 am kinda gal in the word on my knees, but I’m not. The thing that wakes me up every morning is my 3.5 year old, who crawls in my bed to tell me that his “light has turned green and he woke up!”. My days start foggy brained and in need of coffee, and maybe one day I’ll be a good early morning reader, but let’s be real… probably not.
Needless to say, this journey of reading Exodus has been so refreshing. The story goes this way… Moses is trying to convince Pharaoh (the King) to let the Israelites (God’s people) go to the Promise Land. Pharaoh is stubborn, and the past few days have been the saga of plagues and I keep thinking to myself: Come on dude… let the people go and move on. Yet, Pharoah just refuses to acknowledge God until the depths of death come upon the Egyptians (his people). Finally he let’s Moses and God’s people go, and God tells them to tell their children and to write down how God was faithful.
That’s my goal here. To not recount that everyday is pretty or full of butterflies, but to recount how even in the depths of hardships, He is faithful. He remained faithful to the Israelites, and by God’s grace, He died to remain faithful to His people today. And even when our hearts are just as stubborn as Pharoah’s, that Jesus continues to fight for us.
So I stood in church Sunday with tears in my eyes as some around the room sang these words:
O may Thy soldiers, faithful true and bold
Fight as the saints who nobly fought of old
And win with them the victors crown of gold
But lo! There breaks a yet more glorious day
The saints triumphant rise in bright array
The King of glory passes on His way
-For All the Saints
And I remember like He told his people thousands of years ago that He still whispers the same thing to me: for the Lord brought you out of here by the strength of his hand. -Ex 13:3
Sometimes we don’t feel immediate relief from our pain just because we accept that Jesus is King. It can take years or even a life time, but the truth remains that He will return. His return will be grand, and I mean I wish we were friends, but like my friend Sandra McCracken says on her new song: But if it’s not okay, then it is not the end.
So friends, if it’s not okay, then remember… it’s not the end. Our stories are still being written. It’s this strength that reminds me to Keep Walking. To Keep Walking in joy and in sorrow.