As I flip my calendar, the first thing that I see is my baby girls name written on July 14th. Her sweet birthday.
It’s the day that I keep going back to and basking in. She was tiny and early, but she was here and breathing on her own. She was perfect.
|the very first picture that was taken of her.
Her life was short but very full.
As I begin feeling ready for the birth of baby W, I miss her more than ever. The grief has not gotten easier. It is heavier than it has ever been.
The hymn that we sang at the end of the service Sunday has been on repeat, because it is the only way that I know how to pray right now. I need the Lord to be my vision.
“Be Thou My Vision”
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light
Be Thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Though with me, Lord
Though my great Father, I, Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one
Riches I heed not nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Though and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are
High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven’s joys, O bright heaven’s Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all
We finally added baby W a mobile over the crib this past weekend. This was a very big move for us, and it may seem silly, but after this addition, we spent a few hours crying over our baby girl.
During lunch with a friend recently, she told me that she kept thinking it would be hard to let our baby boy come home and start using all the things that Mary Anna never got to, and she was spot on.
Oh July, you stink.
I have dreaded you for a year now. I want to forget you and to fast forward, but I do not have that luxury.
Yet, somehow, I have been ready to celebrate my baby girl’s special day for a year now, and I am ready to face it. The only way that I am willing to is because like that hymn says, “High King of heaven my victory won.”
My victory has been won.