Aug 21

July 17

 I woke up about 5 a.m. that day, which is quite unusual for me. Actually, I am not sure that I really ever truly went to sleep the night before, because I was dreading July 17th for so many reasons. It is quite odd for me not to sleep like a depressed teenager, not because I am depressed or a teenager, but because I just really like to sleep and require a lot of it.
Dan was on a crazy rotation for school that required him to work really long hours, and on this day he had to be at the hospital quite early. I was dreading him leaving before the sun rose up, because I knew that it meant that I would be alone, and I was sad for him that he had to work on the one year anniversary of our daughter going to heaven.

I sat with him while he ate his breakfast, helped him get his lunch together, and then he peeked outside as he got ready to leave for his day, and he told me to look at the sunrise. I never see the sun rise, because it is way too early for me, but today I needed to see this. It was stunning and made tears well up in my tired eyes.

There might be things more terrible even than losing someone you love by death.

-C.S. Lewis

I saw this quote recently and it made me think of July 17th, Mary Anna, and I agree and disagree with it all at the same time. In all reality though, there are a lot worse things that could have happened to our Mary Anna on July 17, 2013 than for her to be at the feet of Jesus. Actually, living is worse than eternity with the King of Kings, but my heart just does not see that every day.

The day was sad. I had an appointment at the same hospital that our baby girl passed away in, so I had to walk in and out of those same doors that I did that day a year before, and this time I had a baby boy in my belly, and it seemed to make the day even more complicated. I cried because I did not want to be away from D that day, and I cried on the way to the doctor, during the appointment and after. I cried because I was scared for William, missed Mary Anna, and the emotions of the two combined are more than I could handle.

That sunrise was for us that day. The pink eerie sky was on display for just for us. I just know it. I wonder if it was a glimpse into how beautiful that heaven is and what a celebration that they were having that day, because Mary Anna had been in the arms of the Giver and Taker of all life for a year. I miss her, and I yearn for baby William to know her like we do.

I am not sure each year what day will be worse. The annual arrival of her birthday or the day of her leaving us, and I am not sure this year which day was worse. It is just our journey that we call life, and it is part of our story.

Mary Anna is our story. And now baby William too.

“In the morning,

when I rise

 Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world,

Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,

Give me Jesus.

When I come to die,

Give me Jesus.

Just give me Jesus.”

-Jeremy Camp

Keep Walking.

  • Beth

    Just another sign that Mary Anna is always (and always will be) with you!!!!