Our lives have been crazy the past few weeks! We have a lot of dear people around us walking through some very tough things, and in the mean time some of them have been resolved and some not unfortunately. We had a precious babymoon away, and ever since we have been back, we have spent a lot of time at the hospital, playing catch up, loving on friends, and just trying to breathe every now and then.
I have noticed that as life gets really busy, I tend to get numb again, and I hate that feeling. Today, Sunday, has been a day of rest thankfully, and it hit me what’s been hard for me right now.
You see, everyday it is a struggle to wake up without Mary Anna here, but slowly we learn how to make it, but the thing is that there is a this constant feeling of grieving something new. It’s not just grieving her in our day to day life, but actually grieving every part of her.
Recently as we have watched our friends babies grow and new ones being born, I realize that I truly grieve the fact that I only know who Mary Anna was/is from the 4 short days that I had with her. I have no idea who she would have become, and it breaks my heart. Every time I see her, her face never changes or grows, it always stays the same. I recognize that some people do not even get what we got, so I know what a gift our time that we had with her was, but I still grieve a full life of being her mommy.
What would it have sounded like the first time that she said mommy?
Would she have fought bows in her hair or not?
What foods would she like or hate?
How tall would she have been?
Would she love her puppies as much as we do?
Would she be smart like her daddy or type A like her mommy?
What car would she have begged for when she turned 16?
What would the theme of her first birthday party been?
How do I fearlessly dream of being little W’s mom and a life with him, when we never got those moments with his sister?
I truly struggle in this balance of being so very close to having another baby, and still not fully knowing how to process all of this. I keep asking Dan how we do this, and he keeps saying, “I just don’t know…”.
The night before Mary Anna went to heaven, I remember waking up and screaming, “HOW DO WE LET HER GO?”, and the night after she went to heaven I remember screaming, “HOW DO WE DO THIS?”. My question has not changed.
How do we do this?
As we sang, “It is Well with My Soul” at church this morning, I wrote at the top of my bulletin, “It is Well… Is it?” Some days all of this is not well with my soul, but I pray as the Lord softens my heart to our new life with a baby girl in heaven that He makes all of this well with my soul.