May 22

I Drive Your Truck

As we clicked our remote last night to turn on the television to see if there was anything worthwhile to watch, we came across a concert where some country singers were honoring people in the military. The announcers began to tell the story behind one of country’s hottest songs now called, “I Drive Your Truck”, and then the singer along with a talented lady in the military began to sing it.

The song is about a solider in the Army that was killed in battle, and in an interview following his death, his dad said that he drives his son’s truck to feel close to him. As they began to sing, I burst into tears. Although I am a country music fan, I honestly assumed that the song was another typical song about a truck, field of grass, or a cold beer. Not the case.

I paused the show after hearing the meaning and listening to the song, and began to think of all the things that we do to try to hang onto our baby girl. You see, there are things that we cherish that most take for granted, because it is all we have.

The truth is that sometimes the things can feel awkward or silly, but it is how we cope.

For instance, on Mother’s Day, while most were snuggling with their babies and enjoying breakfast in bed, I felt at a true loss of how to deal with that day. Dan and I had a brunch on the beach, and honestly, it was a relief to just be with him near the beach and not know a single person.

Thankfully it’s not embarrassing for either one of us now for me to start hysterically crying in public, so once we ate and cried and ate a little bit more, we meandered down to the beach.
The hospital that we had Mary Anna at sends us cards and little things from time to time, and they had previously sent us this pack of rosemary to sprinkle on the grave. We were not quite familiar with this tradition if it is one, but for some reason, it seemed like maybe Mother’s Day would be a time to do this.
So, we stood by the water’s edge alone with no one as far as the eye could see, and we sprinkled it over our baby girl’s grave. We drove her truck. 

We did what we needed to do that day to feel close to our girl.
I was sharing this story with a friend today, and she began to tear up with me. She told me that Mary Anna taught her to appreciate the little things with her baby boy, and that now every night when she puts him down to bed, she breathes in the smell of his lotion. It hits her, because the smell of the lotion that we had in the hospital with MAC makes me feel close to her, and now she knows what a gift it is to have him and be able to put lotion on his little body every night.
It makes me grateful to have these moments to cherish her life, and to know the impact that our sweet angel has on others.