I woke up snuggling with one of my sweet puppies and my heart began to ache.
Why do I have to keep hurting?
I feel so discouraged, even though D shared a sermon with me about how Satan clearly uses discouragement to mask the people of God into thinking the way he wants us to think. I do not want to fall into his trap, but it is how I feel this morning.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I am mad at God, because Mary Anna is not healed, and one of my friends is watching her baby suffer everyday.
How is this real life?
Another friend who works in the foster system told me this morning of a baby with Trisomy 18, what our Mary Anna had, that was abandoned and passed away with foster parents.
Why is this world so broken?
I wept out loud, like really loud, and told God that I did not understand, and that I was tired of being strong. He told me that I do not need to be strong, because He is strong enough for the both of us.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all- surpassing power is from God and not from us.
2 Corinthians 4:7
I texted D and told him my heart hurt and that I wanted her back, and he said that he felt the same way, and then told me to watch this video again:
I am reminded that none of this pain is meaningless. None of it.
Therefore we do not lose heart.
2 Corinthians 4:16
So I lay with my Bible open, continue to weep to The Lord, and W begins to kick. I have another life to nurture, while I still really grieve a different life.
I grieve a life with two babies. One here and one on the way. Not one gone and one on the way.
I cover my face in my white sheets that have mascara stains on the top of them, because I cry so much in bed that I can’t get the stains off, and I listen to this song that I sing as a lullaby to my sweet babies, and it gives me hope.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions NEVER fail.
They are new EVERY morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.