Apr 11

Hallway

A friend texted me the other day and asked how I was, and she told me that she likes when I write, because it gives her a window into my heart. I told her that my computer had been in a closet for almost two months now, and I promised to write soon.

Well the computer is finally plugged in and working, so here I am…

We bought our first house after almost 7 years of marriage! Whew! It has been a whirlwind. We decided to buy a house that needed a little TLC, and after we moved in, we started a pretty major renovation. We thought that since Chip and Joanna Gaines seemed to do it so easily that we had this under control, but yeah not so much. Although, I am pretty sure that our version of “fixer upper” would’ve made for some good t.v.

For the past two months, we basically weren’t able to live in our house although all of our stuff was here, so we spent weeks and weeks going back and forth to my parents and eating out a lot, because we had no kitchen. All of this to say, we have learned a lot, we are in our house, and we would do it all again, but we would do it very differently next time. If there’s a next time!

So as I sit down to realize that my bank account was overdrawn, we have put too much on our credit card, my to do list is full of things that I can’t do very pregnant alone, and my head hurts, because I never finished my cup of coffee, I decided the best thing to do was just to start writing again…

I am due with our second baby girl so soon, and I am just a mess.

A true mess.

I realized a few weeks ago, that the hallway to our bedrooms makes me really sad. Every place that we have lived in has always had a “space” for Mary Anna, and now we fill up this hallway as we prepare for Mary Kathryn (p.s. that’s new baby girl’s name). Another baby girl. Another house where Mary Anna won’t live in. Another place to process that MAC is gone.

I stand in Mary Kathryn’s room, and it is a lot to take in. There is pink in our house again, and it is a lot for my heart to try to understand.

Last week our pastor called because he knew that we were paddling up-stream a lot these days, and he offered to come by and help me with some stuff around the house. He and a friend showed up, and put together MK’s crib, and moved tons of boxes into our kitchen, so that I could unpack them. We had been using the nursery as a storage room for everything that could not be put up due to the dust and holes in the ceiling that were caused by the renovation. So this room that is going to hold my newest little girl soon has just been hard and a true literal and physical disaster.

As I have slowly made my way through the boxes and started sorting baby things and getting more prepared for her, I have realized that each time I turn the corner to walk down our hallway that something is yet again missing. I feel overwhmeled with gratitude for this new life that is coming soon, but yet our house still has a huge hole. And it’s not in the ceiling anymore.

So I’ll just continue to try to tackle all of this. Day by day. Moment by moment.

D and I skipped away last weekend for a short babymoon, and we spent most of our time sitting by the water processing all that has been going on lately. We planned for the future, took a nap, ate way too much, and cried a good bit. Most of these emotions finally came out, and we both realized how hard it is to welcome a new life into our home.

William was the sweetest treasure after our loss, but it was truly a lot emotionally to process him living and Mary Anna dying. And you would think it would get easier, and honestly it just doesn’t.

So here’s to April. A new month. A new house. Hopefully not a new baby until May, but a new baby! And a new start for the Caldwell family.

I think I’ll do what I normally do about now and that is forget my epic to do list, and try to take a nap.

In the words of baby William: night night truck, night night dog dog, night night mama and dada, night night. night night.



  • Danielle Owen

    I have missed your writing too!!!!