On Christmas morning a dear friend texted me and asked how I was. I replied very honestly, and told her that for some reason this year buying gifts seemed really hard, so I just did not buy gifts. I didn’t buy my husband, parents, or friends anything, and I really barely bought William anything. Something about thinking about or purchasing gifts brought up an immense amount of grief.
I would feel really sad or angry, and I knew the root was feeling overwhelmed at the thought of another Christmas morning without Mary Anna. It just hurts. It just really deeply hurts.
She responded this way: you’ve always been so good at not doing something just because you think you should. another Christmas where y’all have so much to be grateful for even in the midst of your sadness. just wish we were close enough to celebrate this time of year with y’all.
I teared up as I read this, because she has always been consistent in supporting me, and not making me feel guilty when my grief comes out in odd ways, and for this I am thankful.
Loss has taught me so much about friendship. About who I want to be my friends, and also how so many friends just don’t want to go to the hard places with you. It’s just life. We wanna do the fun things, but we really don’t like the hard things.
I mean I get it. I don’t desire hard things either….
Dan is good about listening to podcasts on the way to work, and he came home the other day, and told me that I had to listen to this certain one. Today while cleaning toilets something pricked my heart to look up that sermon, and I am so glad I did. And I am here writing, because I think everyone MUST listen to it.
Hopefully we can all find ways to not feel guilty for not being the friends that we should be, but instead yearn to dig deeper into our friendships and love each other richer this year.
Keep Walking my friends.