In loss it is all the “firsts” that are the worst, and that is what is happening for us these days. Today is Dan’s first day back to school, and the day has been harder than I imagined. I was invited to go have breakfast at a friend’s house with some other fellow stay at home moms, and of course, I was running late, had no clean clothes, and was super tired. I thought it was just going to be 3 people there, and so I threw on yoga pants, ran out the door and as I drove up, I realized there were a lot more cars in the driveway than I anticipated.
Since our church closed, most of our members have been attending another local church of the same denomination, and it has been so wonderful how welcoming this church has been towards all of us. Unfortunately, I have been in and out a lot lately due to the last few weeks of pregnancy and the early days of having a newborn, so I do not feel like I know many of the new ladies very well.
I debated reversing out of the driveway and not walking in because I was feeling so overwhelmed, but of course, another mom pulled in behind me blocking me in, so I had to go in. All the moms looked all cute in their sundresses and their sweet babies in precious outfits, and I looked down at my yoga pants, glasses, and my baby boy with an outfit on that is a little too big for him, and I almost lost it. I got myself together, went in, enjoyed my time, and then as I drove home with a crying baby, because I pushed his feeding time a little too long, I really did lose it.
“Rock of Ages” was playing in my car, and I realized that I was having too many “firsts” in one day. My husband was gone from me all day for the first time, my first gathering of ladies with babies who probably know about my Mary Anna, my first day at home completely alone, and of course, a total mom fail to show up at a breakfast looking so frazzled.
Rock of Ages… when the day seems long
I swung open the door at my house, spoke to my puppies, started to nurse my sweet William, and I really lost it.
The skies will wear out, but you remain the same…
Each moment with my baby boy is such a gift from the rock of ages, but each moment for the past month have reminded me of all the firsts that I missed with my baby girl. My heart aches, and I feel so exhausted.
Rock of ages, when in want or rest, my desperate need for such a Savior I confess
The first time …
that we held William.
that he held our hand.
that he had a bath.
that we put him in a car seat.
that he slept by our bed.
that other people actually got to hold him.
that he slept in the crib.
that we went on a walk.
that he took a nap in his swing.
that we went out to dinner.
that… that…. that…
To give me glory, you took the death and pain.
Rock of ages, my Offering.
The list will continue on and on as we experience our life with him in it now. Each moment is precious and beautiful, and we could not imagine it any other way, but it does not take away the pain. We feel annoyed having to ask for advice, because we should know these things already. He is a gift, and we feel so lucky that he was given to us, but it is quite the realization of how empty part of our home feels even more so now without our baby girl.
We just got back from the beach yesterday, so it was also the first time that we took our little buddy down to the most special place on earth to us. I sat by the waters edge, held him, and I told him all about his big sister.
Now write your mercy, on my heart and hands.
Rock of ages, in faith I stand.
This past month has been beautiful and very hard at the same time. So this my friends is where we are right now. We are a mess, but this is our life, and we are thankful each morning for another to love baby William.
Rock of ages, we give you praise.