Apr 13

Don’t Worry


Most nights we sing and dance and laugh together before bed. Daddy usually entertains the baby, and I try to cook us a quick dinner. Last night was no different. William had his bath, and smelled all warm and snuggly, and D and I were in our cozy clothes, and we were all dancing around the kitchen.

Don’t worry about a thing

‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right

Bob Marley wrote the most epic song, and it is a crowd favorite at the Caldwell house. Dan was singing those words to William, and I was scrambling some eggs for our fancy Sunday night dinner, and it was like a movie scene. I looked around, and I thought to myself that I was so happy, yet my heart hurt so bad. I began to cry, and Dan began to cry with me.

There’s just a hole in our dance party, and it just never feels right. Our little tiny dancer wasn’t there.

I opened an email recently from a friend that lives in Germany. We have known each other since childhood, but only from when she comes to visit family that lives in my home town. She came back to Alabama for our wedding, and we try to email often to stay in touch. She said this to me in a recent email:

Just need to tell you something real quick…  I just looked at a picture in your blog again… The one from February 24th
I can still see the pain and grief in your face, even though you are smiling 🙁
I took a piece of paper and covered one side of your face,then the other.
The left side on that picture (next to William)  is smiling, the right side looks sad to me :-*
Just wanted to let you know that I am there for you and sending you some virtual hugs xoxo

All this to say, she barely sees me, and honestly she does not even know me as well as most people in my day to day circle, yet somehow she sees my pain, when others so near me seem to forget.

As we snuggled on the couch last night to watch the new A.D. series on t.v., I watched Jesus being crucified. My heart was heavy and my eyes were dry from the tears, and yet I began to weep again at the sight of Mary watching her baby boy die.

I get that. And I wonder how many people in Mary’s life all too soon forgot that her baby died right in front of her.

How often do I forget? I ache for people to talk about my Mary Anna and recognize my hurt just like my dear friend did all the way from Germany, but so often, I forget about Jesus’ death too.

May my somber heart draw near to Jesus, and may I yearn for him as I yearn for my sweet baby girl.


Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing

‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”

  • http://www.mygracefullife.com Tasha Thrower Medellin

    Beautiful post from a beautiful mother. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. I know as you do, the Lord will use your openness to encourage others and bring healing to hearts. Your boy is beautiful. 🙂

  • Mona

    Love you girl… I’ll always be there for you :-*