Dec 28

Disappointed

Dis-ap-point-ed
: feeling sad, unhappy, or displeased because something was not as good as expected or because something you hoped for or expected did not happen
: defeated in expectation or hope
Merriam- Webster

As I was discussing a situation with a friend that just does not seem to be turning out like she expected, she told me, “I guess I am just a little disappointed.” I told her that I got that, that I was disappointed with a lot right now too, and it is hard when you set your expectations to something and it just does not seem to turn out like you expected. She replied, “Yeah.. I guess disappointed is a bad word, I’m not sure how to sum it all up in one word.” I hung up after we wrapped up our conversation, which was about happy things too might I add, wondering why I feel disappointed right now. I wondered what being disappointed really meant, hence the corny Webster dictionary definition. The list goes a little like this:
I am disappointed that Mary Anna was not here Christmas morning.
I am disappointed that her life was too short.
I am disappointed in some relationships.
I am disappointed in the fact that so many people forget that I am a mom.
I am disappointed when I see D cry because it breaks my heart.
I am disappointed that I am not strong.
I am disappointed that at times I have been fake to pretend that I am okay when I am not.
I am disappointed that more people have not cried with me.
I am disappointed in God that he chose us to have the sick baby.
I am disappointed basically because things have not gone my way.
What is the root of my disappointment right now? A lack of control. A lack of trust. A lack of confidence in who Dan and I have become. A lack of peace in who the Lord has called us to be. When I looked up the definition of disappointment, that last one hit me, defeated in expectation or hope. 
I am disappointed because I feel defeated.
The Lord replies to me and brings me to Him. He tells me, “For I am the Lord you God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
And then it really hits me. I am not disappointed in Mary Anna, for she was a better gift than I expected, and if I truly believe, which I do, that God chose us to have her and HE chose to call her home early, then I am really not disappointed in Him. Satan lately has wanted to show me all the disappointments, and unfortunately at times I listen to his schemes and forget how truly lucky I am that the King of Kings chose measly Dan and I to carry the story of Mary Anna Caldwell. He gave us her life to share and to cherish. She is ours, and we are His. 
Truthfully, I am not disappointed. I am thankful. I just have to continue to remind myself that.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
 For I am the Lord, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior
Isaiah 43:2-3