I do not want to be okay this morning.
Why did we have to be the ones who lost their baby girl?
Am I crazy that I can not bear to unpack her hospital bag right now?
How do we process that we held our baby girl why she was dying?
Why did someone have to say to me, “You actually look like you are having a healthy pregnancy this time?”
How do we prepare for a new baby?
Some days I do not feel like I can bond with him, and then I feel him kick, and it makes me feel like a terrible mom.
I miss Mary Anna everyday.
While some of my friends are preparing for the coming of a new baby, how do we prepare?
Oh… should we wash the sheets of our dead daughter and be okay with that?
I can not bear to pack up her things, and maybe sometimes I still think she is going to come home.
And she’s not.
I am not ready for it not to be Mary Anna’s nursery.
Why can I never have a tea party with my baby girl?
I do not get it.
When I ordered a friends baby gift on Amazon, why did Mary Anna’s unfulfilled registry have to be there, but yet, why can I not bear to hit the “delete” button on it either?
Sometimes I can still feel her head on my chest. – mommy.
And sometimes I can still feel her little hand wrapped around my finger. – daddy.
This was a snippet of Dan and I’s morning conversation with each other.
This is where we are. This is me being very transparent, and it’s hard.
And then I come before the King, and I hear this little tune in my head from my childhood, where the men sing:
So, we keep walking with Mary Anna in our hearts, and with our baby boy on the way.