Nov 16

Advent Wreath

So we just moved into our sixth house in a little over three years. Yes you read that right. We moved back to a town that we love, and that we missed from the day that we left. The little house that we bought needed a lot of love, so we did a total gut, and now it is dreamy. We want to add-on eventually to make it a little more usable for us long-term, but for right now, Mary Kathryn sleeps in a future office or playroom with a little barn door off our dining room, and it works. I found a ship knot to prop the barn door closed tighter, and she thinks it’s perfect for her sassy little squishy 17 month old self, and I do too. Meanwhile, William has the room of his dreams filled with all things ship and beach related.

We’re opening a business for the first time, and we are just launching into unfamiliar territory in a very familiar place. I knew that moving here wouldn’t be the same from when we left, but it’s hit me day by day as we have been here… grief… sadness… missing my Mary Anna.

You see she was born in Birmingham, but basically her whole life in utero was in Auburn. We dreamed of her here, set up her nursery, and planned for her life in this sleepy little football town. So, this place has always had a piece of my heart. As we begin to roam the same familiar streets again, I see her.

everywhere….

in my favorite coffee shop…

in the same publix that I used to weep walking the aisles after we lost her just wanting to buy a paci or baby wipes…

in our favorite pizza place…

and bagel shop…

in the parks that she should have played at…

in the eyes of the people who knew us and walked through life with us during that time…

Mary Anna,

I see you everywhere baby girl. You are always with us. We miss you immensely, and I’ve learned that each new place we acquire as our home, that I realize more and more the hole in our hearts for you. I wish I had your artwork to hang, and your little dresses to iron. I wish I knew your favorite color, and if you liked sweet or salty things. I often wonder if you’d be tall and lean like William or squishy like your baby sister.

You are our motivation. We named daddy’s new clinic after you, and there is no one that drives us more than you do. 

I told your daddy the other night that the one thing that I knew to be true is how strong you were. Your strength is what gives me strength.

Thank you for always teaching us how to Keep Walking, my girl.

-your mommy

So, yeah… I’m weeping. Eating a soggy apple. My head hurts, and I am tired of unpacking.

Life. Right?

A dear friend here asked me to go to a wreath making thing in a few weeks. Those things sound fun and holiday ish, and I love Christmas, and I love friends. And cookies. Amen. But things like that stress me out, because it forces me to enter into a new season of telling my story. Of telling of Mary Anna.

I told her I’d go, and then I wasn’t sure if I could go. She gracefully told me to stop unpacking and write.

So I did.

Here I am….

Christ is in this. I know He is. Sometimes I can’t figure it all out, and I don’t know why this is our story, but it is.

On Christ the solid rock I stand.

All other ground is sinking sand

All other ground is sinking sand.

Keep Walking.

Oct 20

Chapel in the Pines

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I surprised Dan with a birthday getaway to this quaint place in the mountains for a long weekend. It is dreamy, and it is exactly what we needed. We’ve been running in a million directions lately trying to renovate a house, start a business, raise two babies, oh and two pups, live with the rents out of suitcase, and the list goes on… Dan’s about to turn the big 3-0, and he’s been working basically 3 jobs, so our time together is so slim.

We spent our first morning here on a long walk in the woods on the property. We talked about life, laughed some and cried some, and we talked a lot about how big our God is. Sometimes it’s hard for the two of us: D, a workaholic and me, a control-freak of a mom; to really really check out and just be together. When we do this, we tend to grieve a lot and talk a lot about our Mary Anna.

Well, the owners of this farm that we are staying at recently experienced a deep sadness like we with live, and it hit us in a unique way today. The husband passed away suddenly at a young age, and the wife was left to raise their 5 children alone and run this business by herself. As we wandered through the edge of the trailhead, I spotted a white, quaint chapel tucked away on a hill. We were tired from our hike, and were debating if we wanted to take the short walk and see it, and we decided to do it. Unknowingly it was the gravesite of Sam, the owner who passed away.

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Dan with tears in his eyes looked over this sweet little white picket fence, and he said to me:
Karebear, this dirt is fresh. He walked to the grace, and I walked into the chapel. We both wept. We both know the pain of burying someone far too young, and trying to limp your family through grief, while the world keeps spinning.

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It’s caused the rest of our day here to be sweet and full of time together, but also full of memories of our girl. I heard a podcast this past week but a lady who lost her husband, and she made a point along the lines of this…

If we try to move on from the path that God has chosen for us, even if it includes death and sadness, then we aren’t fully living in the path that God chose for us.

As I am walking through loss with my friend, Katie, who lost her baby girl a month ago, I am looking at my own loss and grief so much more clearly. It’s only been 4 years, but the Lord has done a work in the those long, yet so short years. He has taught me that grief isn’t supposed to leave us. That like Lisa Appelo said on the podcast, that we should embrace this as a part of us. This embracing has truly made me a stronger and more caring person. Yes, it brings sadness on my getaways with my husband and bring me to my knees often, but isn’t that exactly where the Creator meets us the most with his humble love for us?

Y’all the Kingdom is waiting for us, and we can’t continue this life in utter blindness to sadness and hurt. IT’s the waves that make the calm sea more beautiful. The waves keep coming, but so doe the calm seas. Keep walking on water through the impossible.

And the only way to walk on water is like Jesus told Peter, to keep our eyes focused on Him.

When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what the storm’s all about.
-Haruki Murakami

What makes a river so restful to people is that it doesn’t have any doubt- it is sure to get where it is going, and it doesn’t want to go anywhere else.
-Hal Boyle

As I sit on this amazing little porch crying while writing, D is sitting next to me crying too writing some letters to our two babies here on earth. William and Mary Kathryn get the best of us thank to our dear Mary Anna.

Our life…
It’s really messy…
But it’s really sweet.

Keep Walking.

Oct 01

Adeline

The unthinkable happened a few nights ago. I got a message that said, “Adeline is not doing well. Pray for her.” I was sitting in a friend’s house, and both of my kids were asleep, and when I saw the message I sank into this old yellow chair in the corner with a low light on, and I began to weep. I called Dan and told him what was going on, and we both admitted that when a parent admits those words that it is not looking good. We know that feeling, and it’s not a place you would admit to be at unless it was the inevitable.

Rewind over a decade ago, I met this girl, Katie Waitt, from a dairy farm in Indiana at Auburn as a new college student. We were from different backgrounds and honestly we did not have much in common besides some friends and our faith. We grew in our friendship, and I was quite preppy and girly, and slowly some friends and I convinced Katie that she needed some dresses in her closet, and my love for her grew.

We kept up off and on after college, and we would get together as time allowed. She met her husband and got married in Memphis, and over a year ago they found out they were expecting their first baby. I got a call a few weeks later about a scary ultrasound. I began to walk a road with her that I never knew that I would have to walk again so soon.

Adeline was born very early, but she was a fighter. She had fighters around her, and she faced her short life with strength and dignity, and her big brown eyes would melt any heart of stone. I was able to meet her very soon after she was born, but this past week things got really bleak. Baby Addie Bear faced a lot of procedures and the King of Kings called her home on September 28, 2017 early in the morning. Her life was short yet full.

My friend and I jumped in our cars as soon as we heard to go walk beside our dear dairy farm friend from Indiana. We shopped for an outfit for her daughters funeral, we helped think through logistics for a service, we planned meals, and we wept at plan that is bigger and greater than us, but sometimes does not bring the outcome that we want.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, no pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
Revelation 21:3-5

I don’t get why Adeline went to be with Jesus. I don’t get why Mary Anna went to be with Jesus, but I do know one thing to be true right now. I feel grief creeping it’s messy self back in, and I feel like I am watching myself loose my baby all over again through my dear friend, but as I got ready to leave last Thursday, I grabbed William and looked into his big blue eyes and with tears said this:

Buddy no matter what, ALWAYS remember that God is bigger and He is stronger and He loves you. And He will protect you.

W: Like he protected Daniel in the lion’s den mommy?

Yes buddy, just like that. 

I love you and I will be home soon.

W: And I love you mommy

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And that is what carried me. It was that image that although this earth is the lion’s den, and sometimes it feels like there are roaring lions waiting to devour us, God ALWAYS shuts their mouths. I sat there in the lion’s den with my sweet friend, but God was there. We hurt and cried and might have even said a cuss word or two, but God was there. Shutting mouths. Slaying the enemy.

He will redeem.

He did redeem Adeline’s life for Himself.

And he did the same with my Mary Anna too.

Keep Walking. Even when the lions are closing in around you. Remember like my innocent 3-year-old reminded me, God will protect you.

In loving memory of Adeline Grace.
June 21, 2017- September 28- 2017

Aug 24

Rocket ship

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William and Mary Kathryn and I were eating dinner the other night, and lots of “take another bite”, “you have to at least try a few green beans”, “sissy sit on your bottom or you’re going to fall”, and so on were being said. Dinner time is quite the circus, especially, because my husband works long hours, so most nights I have to feed the kids alone. Tired momma + 3 year old wild boy + 1 year old antsy baby girl = extra glass of wine please!

Well, we are currently in the midst of yet another transition {8th house in almost 3 years to be exact}, so we are at my parents for a few weeks, while some things are being done to our new house. My parents happen to live on the lake, which helps the staycation a little for sure! I looked outside at the beautiful water, and decided that I should turn the mood of dinner from weary barking momma to grateful momma. So William and I had the sweetest little conversation that went like this:

M: Buddy, do you see that water out there?

W: yeahhhhh, it’s BB’s lake

M: Did you know that God loves you deeper than the water.

W: He does, and he loves mommy and daddy and sissy and BB and Doc….

M: yes buddy he loves all of us

W: and Mary Anna too…

M: yes of course

W: Is Mary Anna going to come soon?

M: Well, you know how God loves you deeper than the water?

W: yeahhhh {wide blue eyes}

MK: {squeaks}

M: Well He loves you so much that he died for you, and Mary Anna had to die too, so she is in heaven with God. But you know buddy that’s okay, because we will see her soon.

W: Mommy, I want to go in a rocket ship way up in the sky and say 3,2,1 blast-off and see Mary Anna with God.

M: {tears streaming}

W: It’s okay mommy, I love you and I will come back to you.

M: I love you too buddy and that’s why mommy cries sometimes, because she misses Mary Anna and that’s okay

W: I love you mom. I want you to hold you me {wide blue eyes still}

It’s these moments that remind me the redemption in loss. The Lord uses the hard things to strengthen us and draw us to himself and teach us through the eyes of a child how to Keep Walking. I want to 3,2,1 blast- off a lot of days out of this messy life just like my buddy, but God has me here right now in the messy mundane with yet another transition for a reason.

Keep Walking.

And now every time there’s a beautiful pink sunset over the water, William loves to talk about his big sister in heaven. And how we can blast-off to see her. These are the days.

3, 2, 1 blast- off

Jul 27

Defender

I at times picture my life in a music video. Like there have been many times where music is on, and I am doing something that I think to myself dang if a camera was following me right now they’d make a lot of money with no acting. I have a dear friend who gets this part of me, so I text her often of my music video moments. Maybe one day a rock star will capitalize on my life which includes a constant roller coaster of emotions.

On Mary Anna’s birthday it was hot as you know what. I went on a run during the worst part of the day. I listened to this song Defender, and I began to weep uncontrollably while running down a public trail. I yelled a cuss word out loud. Yep. Sure. Did. Insert Video Camera at any point.

This band Kings Kaleidoscope has been played a lot at our house recently. Their music has depth, and we feel like we’re friends with the lead singer, because he lost a baby like us, and we get a lot of what he wrestles with in his music. I’m sure he’ll be calling me soon for that music video.

But the word DEFENDER hit me that day. It has been on my heart a lot lately.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

As I wrestle with my faith and comprehension of losing my girl these past 4 years that is one word that has never come to mind. In reality, I have felt like I wanted someone to defend me. To defend Mary Anna. To defend my loss.

But in that I lost the reality that my one defender has been patiently waiting on me this whole time. He went to bat for me and for Dan and for Mary Anna and for you thousands of years ago, and He sits at the right hand of the Father still defending us today.

I cried to God for help, he heard my voice

We are famous for transition lately, and we are in the process of it again right now. Transitions are hard when loss is involved. It adds a dimension that’s hard to explain. There’s Mary Anna’s stuff that will be moved again into a new space that hasn’t been touch, and I will yet again wipe the dust off of it, and not set her up a room in another new house.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

I’ll mourn friends and make new ones, and have to retell the our story of our girl.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

And I am sure there will be lots more moments where a video producer will lose that epic emotional shot of me running and weeping, or setting up a nursery and weeping, or dusting off the same pictures of my baby and weeping. BUT, it truly is okay. I have a defender. He defended me on the cross, and He still defends me.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately telling William who’s a wild 3-year-old boy exploring strength and power and energy and wanting to defend every thought or emotion or action that he has that Jesus is big and strong. And he is our defender. If that is the message that I want my other two babies to take home, then it is time that I take it home, even to my new home, myself.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

We have a DEFENDER friends. We just have to believe it.

Keep Walking

Jul 14

4

Happy 4th Birthday to my girl,

You made me a mom. You changed me from the day that I knew about you. Your entrance into the world was wild and unexpected and your exit was bold and majestic. I picture you being a little momma to Mary Kathryn and getting onto William for being all boy. I bet that you would have woken up early today and loved having a donut with sprinkles with your daddy and then skipping lunch and dinner for cake with me. I just know your love for sweets would be strong, because it’s just a gene that our family requires.

I have heard 4 is the best age! So that makes this birthday seem to sting a bit more. You are missed and celebrated today angel.

William woke up saying “It’s Mary Anna’s birthday! She is in heaven with God!”. He helped me hang your birthday banner with cute colorful tassels in the kitchen, and he can’t stop peaking at your cake.

I went to a bakery yesterday, and they had 1 cake for sale. It was pink and yellow and orange, and it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY in bright pink letters on it. They added “Mary Anna!” to it, and I cried the whole way home.

Thank you for being a vessel that constantly points us to heaven. We miss you always, but especially today, because it is YOUR day, baby girl.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY ANNA!

love,

mommy and daddy and william and mary kathryn

and i guess marley and fish camp too.

Apr 15

Carry it.

I decided to dedicate myself this year to doing a lenten study. I have never done this before, but I read through the entire book of Isaiah. It was life-changing. A few times I had to sit down and catch up on a few days, but all in all, I did pretty well with this commitment. I had to have a commentary next to me the whole time, or else it would get pretty confusing, but the message of Christ and His heritage and the foretelling of His coming kept bringing me to my knees.

This message kept resonating in my heart…

I am so eager to accept Jesus’ death for me. I know the story. I believe it. I base my entire life on it, yet what am I willing to sacrifice for him.

As I sat in our Good Friday service yesterday, and our pastor was telling a story about his baby girl, and he reminded us of Jesus’ anguish, when He was begging the Father to spare His life….

Take this for a second, Jesus is God, and He could spare His own life, but he did not.

God is God, and He could have spared His only Son’s life, but he did not.

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?”
Matthew 27:46

I remember holding my daughter in my arms right as she was taking her lasts breaths and begging the Lord to save her. He did not.

And as I read through Isaiah, and sat in church yesterday holding my other baby girl, I kept weeping.

Why am I so reluctant to trust the God who gave His only Son? It’s because He also took my baby girl. BUT if I can accept the salvation that comes through Jesus’ death, then that same power is how I trust even without my girl.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair’ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.
2 Corinthians 4:8-10

This is the truth. We can NOT accept Jesus’ life without his death.

We can’t.

I trust this promise holds true in every aspect of our lives.

For me, carrying around my Mary Anna’s death has been a hardship that I never could have dreamt of, but it has brought me to Jesus. I will always carry her death, but carrying it has brought me life.

And as so many people, want me to move on… be strong… or whatever …

I have realized more this Easter that the gospel calls us never to let go of the death of Christ. We can’t have the resurrection without the death of God’s only Son.

Not everyone carries around the same death that I do, but we all carry some death around with us. The western world runs from death, but Jesus call us to run straight to Him, which means carrying His death.

THANKS BE TO GOD!! HE IS RISEN!!!

Enjoy this Easter friends. I have some sweet lace that my babies will be wearing, and as we look pretty on the outside, our hearts will carry around our Mary Anna. Her death has brought us life.

Keep Walking

Feb 13

Love

So tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.

My emotions have changed over the years about this day. I went from high expectations, to hating the holiday, to now being in a happy medium. I mean let’s be real, most of us have done all the above…

I was looking at my little loves this morning, one wearing mismatched pjs, and the other desperately wanting to just go, go, go. I asked William {2.5}:

K: Hey buddy, what do you want to do for Valentine’s Day tomorrow?

W: It not baaalentines day.

K: Buddy, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and it is a special day since mommy loves you, so we can do something special.

W: I want to stay home.

M: {hmmm… donut? pancake date? perhaps something else?}

W: Mommy, wipe my nose…

W: Hey mommy, let’s go to the bouncy house!

M: Okay buddy we can do that, but you don’t even like the bouncy house {insert image of the little boy who stands outside of the bouncy house saying it too loud and won’t go in one}

I looked back at Mary Kathryn and just smiled. I thought… I don’t have epic plans or sprinkles for my pancakes, but they’re in my kitchen, and were wiping noses and conquering fears, and this is love. I smiled again,

Then… a song came on my random Spotify radio.

I used to drive long dark mornings once a week while I was pregnant with Mary Anna, and they were scary and hard and lonely drives. I would listen to this song and eat chicken biscuits. I gained a lot of weight and a lot of tears on those drives.

This song still brings me to my knees, because after I lost her, I would remember those drives, and remember preaching to myself without even knowing it…

Oh, how he loves us
oh, how he loves.

And I realized that love is just this. It’s the messy mornings. It’s the tears over a baby who is not in our house. It’s the squeals of a busy 8 month old at my feet. It’s the sounds of trucks on my t.v.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Corinthians 4:7-11

When I read this verse the other day, it hit me, because so many people want the death of my baby girl to be “easier” for me, yet I find it harder the more that times goes by. I realized that if Christ calls us to carry around his death daily, that it is perfectly acceptable for me to continue to carry around the death of Mary Anna. Her death brought so much life to me, just as Christ death brings life to us.

So whatever it is that makes you have an extra spring in your step tomorrow or makes you feel a little weepy, just know that He does love us. He gave himself over so that we may live. And that bouncy houses in fact may not be the best option for your Valentines plans.

Keep Walking.

Oh… and take your littles for donuts and snuggle them tight. Life is too short.

Dec 25

Tiny Toes

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It’s Christmas Eve!

Unreal.

It seems to come faster and faster every year.

This year has been so chaotic with a two-year old and a 6 month old, and yet these babies have made the season seem so much more magical than it ever has before. The birth and life of Jesus and teaching it to their little ears has just come alive in a different way to me.

I was snuggling William in bed the other night, and he loves to ask for “one more story… last time” over and over again, so I was doing just that. I have been telling him the Christmas story in a way that I feel like he can understand, so we have talked a lot about how Jesus was born in a “barn”, and of course the animals have been a hot topic of discussion. As I told that story again, William said to me, “There were no pigs there mommy, and Joseph took care of baby Jesus.” To hear how his little brain processes it all is too sweet.

And another rock star from the manager scene in our nightly story time are the angels. William seems to be interested in things that are “way up high”, which I assume is a little boy thing, so he thinks that the angles are pretty cool too…. As we were driving the other day he told me:

I wanna go way up high mommy

okay buddy why…

I wanna see Mary Anna and the angels

you want to what William? {tears welling up}

I wanna go up high and see Mary Anna with the angels

{tears streaming}

So it is Christmas Eve, and my heart is so full of wonder as I watch this wild little boy teach me about Jesus’ life in a whole new way. We have stacked presents, made treats, laughed, cried, rode trains, seen Christmas lights, and most importantly we have found the baby in a manger who makes Christmas real.

I grabbed Mary Kathryn so hard this morning while the Polar Express was blaring in the background really loud for the 500th time, and I squeezed her and cried. I miss Mary Anna. As I have a baby girl in my arms this year, it seems so sweet, yet so hard. My heart aches. As I prepared little girl things for MK to open, I wept. And something about the itties tiny little toes make me miss MACs tiny little toes.

As I texted a friend yesterday about my heart feeling so sad, she reminded me about the line in Jesus Storybook Bible that says:

everything sad will come untrue

And as the advent reading The Greatest Gift said the other day:

The herald of the King calls to you in this moment to come away from the crush and the crowds, to come away to a space of stillness to be ready for the coming of the Lord.
In the wilderness there are a few roads, so Christ is the only Way.
Rest here.
The wilderness offers you grace: we are most prepared for Christ, for Christmas, when we confess we are mostly not prepared. Rest here. There is only room in us when we are done with us.

I think that’s where I’ve tried to be this year. As a “prepared” kinda gal, the Savior has put me in a place where I feel like I walk daily in the wilderness. Walking with something that I can’t bear. Walking without my baby. I don’t like to camp, and I do not like to feel unprepared, yet I find myself in the wilderness unprepared. Especially at Christmas.

Rest here.

Merry Christmas.

Even if the toes in your house aren’t tiny anymore, kiss those sweet feet and find the King wherever you can. In the barn without the pigs. Or way up high with the angels. However it is, just find Him. He is there. He is coming soon to redeem all. He has and will redeem Christmas.

Keep Walking. Especially at Christmas.

Dec 02

For all the mommas out there

I have had two friends within two days text me and tell me that they feel inadequate. They feel worn out, like they don’t have enough to give, that they’re not good enough, that they just can’t do it all, and the list goes on… Sadly, I get that feeling. I feel that way too my momma friends.

It stems from a society that asks a question like this:

Do you work OR stay at home?

The key there is the “OR” part. I am not saying that working and being a mom is not hard. I tried it once, and at that time it did not work for my family, but because the world is so “woman power” these days, we feel like because we are women that we have to conquer it all. And we are free to conquer and do and provide yes, but not everything. We just can’t. We are one person taking care of lots of persons.

Men tend to be able to conquer more on paper, because they have that “one person” at home making lots of things happen for them. We feel like we have to equally conquer all the things that our “men” conquer, all the while still conquering everything at home and for our children too. Insert feelings of inadequacy here.

I get it. I don’t sit down. I don’t slow down. I feel like because I am at home that my house should be perfect, my kids should look cute, and there should always be warm meals. Oh and I feel this pressure to somehow find a part-time job that I can squeeze in and work 10 hours a week and provide the extra 30 grand that my family needs. Insert inadequacy.

We need a break mommas. We need to stop. We have to. I made myself come home after dropping off my two-year old wild man at moms day out, and I put the itty down, and I took some time for myself. It isn’t lazy or lack of motivation, it is working on this feeling of inadequacy. This advent season I am determined to read the gospel more, stare at my tree, have warm mugs of yummy things during nap time, and let this rich season set me up to stop feeling like it is my job to conquer it all. Because I just can’t. And I don’t have to.

Rejoice, Rejoice. Emmanuel.

He, our Emmanuel, came so we could stop this feeling like it is in our control to conquer. He already conquered.

Mercy friends. I saw this last night as William snatched a piece of nativity out of a little girls hand and said “THAT’S MY BABY JESUS”. I busted out laughing and wasn’t sure if I was more puffed up like “wahahha my two-year old knows who baby Jesus is”, or more embarrassed like “holy cow my two-year old just snatched baby Jesus, wow our nativity mindset needs some serious work”. Either way, talk about #momfail.

So I truly pray that as we welcome baby Jesus that we don’t snatch him away and want Him in the form of a toddler {selfish}, but that we come as an innocent babe and look at the wonder of this season. In the midst of inadequacy, hurt, loss, sorrow, messy houses, dirty dishes, miscarriages, broken relationships, and sinful children, I hope that somehow we find Jesus. He’s in this. We just have to look for Him.

Keep Walking Mommas.

YOU are worth something.

Something BIG.

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given;
and the government shall be upon his shoulder,
and his name shall be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Isaiah 9:6