Sep 29

Can’t go back

As we sit by the waters edge this morning thinking of our baby girl, I can’t help but think about something that I said a few days ago. I don’t remember what someone asked me but my response was, “I’m not glad about what happened to Mary Anna, but I do know that I could never go back to who I was before.” As I ache for her little fuzzy head this morning, I hear my own voice echo in my head, and I hear my heavnly Father saying, “It is for your good and my glory.” I will keep walking. I can. I think.
After a little anger, sadness, and tears, D and I saw some butterfly’s slowly fly by us at the waters edge. It wasn’t her and she isn’t here we know, but it was a touch from our little princess. We see her in everything we do. Then, we read a passage out loud to each other that we read to MAC that was written for us long before:
May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. 
May he remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings. 
May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. 
May we shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God. 
May the Lord grant all your requests. Now this I know: The Lord gives victory to his anointed. 
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand. 
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm. 
Lord, give victory to the king! Answer us when we call!
Psalm 20:1-9

And the truth is that I can’t go back. I miss her, but this is who I am now, and I am learning to accept it.