Oct 29


Since last Thursday, life got a little chaotic. I haven’t done much but fall into bed the past four nights and wake up with bags under my eyes to start again. The exhaustion is because our friends are closing their retail store, so I volunteered my talents of being a selling machine to help with the big sale to move the final inventory. Then I had to wake up today to go to my “real” job and work a full day (which I have not done in a while) to relieve someone who was going to be out. This evening I told Dan that I was feeling a little numb, and I knew that I needed to spend some time in the Word and thinking about my girl.

We are not big t.v. people, but one of our shows that we are trying to catch up on has an underlying theme about a dad who’s daughter passes away. Tonight as we ate dinner, the episode was about him seeing his little girl as a teenager. Blah, blah, blah… fast forward to the show being over, dishes done, a load of laundry folded, and I went upstairs to have a little “me” time while Dan studied. I read a little, and then I turned on the song that really brings me to my knees, Rock of Ages. It began to play, and I did something that D tells me that he does a lot that I have never done, and that is stand over the crib and look down into it. I began standing and realizing that the sheets have never been washed, and then I fell to my knees in humility, then I fell on my face in agony. “I just miss her ,” I said to the Lord, and “I don’t know how to pray or why she had to go.”

It reminded me of a passage that I read Friday morning that was talking about how Mary, the mother of Jesus, was learning of her son’s death right after his birth. She was told:

And a sword will pierce your own soul too.
Luke 2:35
Man do I get that now. This verse has been on my heart ever since. As I stared into a perfectly decorated empty crib, I felt like someone was stabbing me deep into my soul. I know Mary’s pain of watching her own son die. I hate and love that the scriptures seem so alive to me right now.
My Mary Anna,
I want to talk to you so bad right now. When I looked into your crib, I saw a hair in it, and for a split second I thought it was yours, but I realized that it was mine, and it broke my heart. I ask daddy all the time if you know how much that I love you. Sometimes I feel like a bad mommy when I get busy, because I want you to know that I will never forget you. I looked into your bathroom tonight, and I wondered if our next baby one day was a boy if he would mind if I left it coral. I can’t seem to fathom changing your room. I still put the lotion on my hands that you used in the hospital, and I can instantly smell your scent, and it hurts but makes me feel so close to you. I know I tell you this all the time, but your daddy is so strong, and he is so good to me. When I was pregnant with you, I would always tell you that I hoped that you would marry someone just like your daddy. My heart aches for you, and I hope that I make you proud.
With all the love in my heart,
your mommy

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/13658215777428165776 Alix Malpass

    This post absolutely brought me to tears! Your prayers are being heard and you know Mary Anna is so proud of her parents! Keep strong, beautiful!