May 27

Breathe.

Can’t
Breathe.
Missing Mary Anna is not tolerable at this moment, and I literally can’t breathe.

My Mary Anna,

I should be preparing for your first birthday party in about 6 weeks, but instead I’m in your room and listening to your little cry over and over again, because I just need to hear your voice.  I finally decided to look through your hospital bag tonight, and it broke my heart. Literally. I feel like I lost you again, because it reminded me of preparing for you, having you, and having to let you go. Sometimes, even if you do not read these letters, it helps me to talk to you, and I just want you to know that I love you deeper than you will ever know. When I saw your little gowns, hats, books, blanket, and a few other things in your bag tonight, I could not breathe. I cried so hard that your daddy could hear me, and he and your puppy Marley came and helped me process all of your little things. Your daddy and I miss you so much.

Honestly baby girl, it scares me to pack a bag for your little brother, because I want him to come home, and after having to let you go, it seems unbearable to try to do this again. I packed your bag back like it was, took a few special things out to put in your baby book, and cried so hard over you that I hurt.

Your daddy is my rock. He is my strength, and he loves you and I so well. He lets me do whatever I need to do to feel close to you, and he holds me the whole time. We both lucked out baby girl. You got the best daddy that a girl could ask for. He kept telling me to Keep Walking, and so I am going to do that for you and for him.

We love you precious angel always and forever,
your mommy




  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03559851267066311204 Beth

    You are so brave, even if you don’t think you are. Prayers for you and Dan and baby William. Mary Anna will ALWAYS be a part of your family – she is your first born!