I’m shockingly still pregnant and waiting on baby girl #2. I wish I could say that I am patiently waiting, but the truth is that I am not a super patient person. So I am impatiently waiting. I don’t trust like I should, and I usually have a good plan that makes more sense to me than others plans, but the honest truth is that my plan hasn’t been working…
Mary Kathryn is a healthy baby girl, so I am grateful and overjoyed, but this emotional roller coaster called pregnancy is making my lack of patience run extra thin.
Yeah, I pretty much just left a message on Dan’s phone, because when he called to ask how I was at lunch, my response might have been “I mean will everyone stop asking me that… how the H*** am I supposed to know how I am anymore.” OOOPPS… bad response. Don’t worry, I humbly called back and apologized. I’m just raw and done right now… Done waiting…
The truth is that I love babies, but pregnancy is a turbulent and emotional thing for me. Last week, Dan could hear my wails from the bath tub, and he came rushing in to find me crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. The following night, we both cried ourselves to sleep.
It’s just plain hard.
And I just wanna smack some people when I get comments like, “It’s all in God’s timing” or “She’s healthy so be thankful” or “You’ll hold her soon enough.” Blah. Blah. Blah. All true, but frankly not what I want to hear. Not what makes the pain of losing 3 babies bearable.
But… there is hope. The Lord continually breaks my heart of stone and reminds me of his goodness and kindness towards his children.
I wish your care was always easy, predictable, safe -
a cool drink
a soft pillow -
but you are too wise,
too committed to your work of
So your gracious care comes to me
in uncomfortable forms:
the redeeming care of
These things don’t tell me you’re
No, each is a sign of
I struggle to grasp how much you
so I struggle to rest in that
You care enough to give me what I
not what I want.
You care enough to break my bones
to recapture my heart.
- Paul David Tripp in New Morning Mercies
I sat on the couch with my big belly and my baby boy snuggled up on his “sissy”, and I read this, and I am reminded that my plan is flawed, and HIS plan is perfect.
I struggle to trust and admit that, but it is so true.
Even in the pain and tears and waiting.
It is true. And good. And right. And for my good.