As a child/ teenager, my family would spend a lot of time at our lake place. I was a dare devil and loved nothing more than getting someone new on the back of our jet ski and throwing them off by doing a 360. The best was when they weren’t expecting it and sometimes the whole thing would flip over, and I was a master at flipping that baby back over and hopping right back on and going again full throttle.
My mom would anxiously sit on the dock and beg me to “SLOW DOWN” or “STOP THAT”, and of course, I would just laugh and keep on going. Needless to say considering I was a good kid and did not press my parents much, I loved a good thrill. Not so much now.
Those days are long gone, and I have turned very anxious.
I hate feeling so much anxiety, but it is a real struggle. You might say go to counseling, talk to a friend, read a book, find a good daily devotional, do something therapeutic, pray, slow down, etc, etc. And I would say check, check, check, now what?!?!?!
Find a good verse, memorize it, and repeat it to yourself when you feel this way?
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
Again, check. But really people? It all makes sense, I believe it’s all true, but in the moment telling myself not to feel anxious just does not quite cut it.
I was in a wedding this past weekend for a dear friend, and I was honored to be one of her Matrons of Honor. As the weekend began, I felt the anxiety rising, because large groups of people make me nervous now. It is so hard to walk into an event wondering what people will say, how they will look at you, and try all the while not to make it about yourself or run outside crying, because someone else said something stupid.
We got to the rehearsal dinner and as people began to talk about their toasts, my heart began to race. The groom and best man come to me and say, “When you say your speech…”. Dang! I literally can not do this.
A little back ground to my 360 days at the lake and my personality up until this point is that I am not an anxious person, do not meet a stranger, love groups of people, and I am an extreme extrovert. I need my friends and to be around people, and so this last year has drastically changed a lot of who I am.
Needless to say, I could not say a toast, and I felt like a rotten friend. As we got back to the hotel room, I grabbed my phone and through tears texted my friend what I wanted to say. I meekly told her that ever since Mary Anna that it was hard for me in groups of people, and that I was sorry, but it was not a reflection of my love for her.
She was gracious and wonderful, and she has loved me well since I lost my baby girl.
The passage continues:
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I pray through these little moments like this past weekend, and at times I feel peace, but honestly, I pray that in a week, month, year, or years that I am sitting at this computer telling you how much more peace I feel, because at the moment the anxiety is overwhelming.
I am anxious because…
- I am currently 33 weeks pregnant, and I went into the hospital with MAC at 33 weeks, and she was born less than a week later.
- I still can not bring myself to pack his hospital bag.
- I am scared of labor after having a recent c-section.
- My heart wonders what I would do if I had to let baby W go too.
- I sometimes think the feeling of intense grief of my girl and joy of my little man is more than I can take.
- I wonder how I will explain to him one day that my heart did not know how to handle the months awaiting his birth.
- I want Dan to be at the birth and by my side every moment right now, but obviously he can not sit next to me everyday for the next 6 weeks.
- I am just flat scared to death.
- This is my fourth pregnancy in over two years, and I still do not have a baby in my arms.
- WHY ME? WHY NOT ME?
- So many people have a solution for me, and honestly I am tired of always feeling like I am not doing something good enough.
- Some days it is just too much.
So needless to say, I could continue my list for days, and writing all of my faults is quite daunting, but I pray for my Creator to show me HIS plan everyday, and like the verse says, for Him to guard my heart and mind in the process.
He must become greater; I must become less.