Jul 27

Defender

I at times picture my life in a music video. Like there have been many times where music is on, and I am doing something that I think to myself dang if a camera was following me right now they’d make a lot of money with no acting. I have a dear friend who gets this part of me, so I text her often of my music video moments. Maybe one day a rock star will capitalize on my life which includes a constant roller coaster of emotions.

On Mary Anna’s birthday it was hot as you know what. I went on a run during the worst part of the day. I listened to this song Defender, and I began to weep uncontrollably while running down a public trail. I yelled a cuss word out loud. Yep. Sure. Did. Insert Video Camera at any point.

This band Kings Kaleidoscope has been played a lot at our house recently. Their music has depth, and we feel like we’re friends with the lead singer, because he lost a baby like us, and we get a lot of what he wrestles with in his music. I’m sure he’ll be calling me soon for that music video.

But the word DEFENDER hit me that day. It has been on my heart a lot lately.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

As I wrestle with my faith and comprehension of losing my girl these past 4 years that is one word that has never come to mind. In reality, I have felt like I wanted someone to defend me. To defend Mary Anna. To defend my loss.

But in that I lost the reality that my one defender has been patiently waiting on me this whole time. He went to bat for me and for Dan and for Mary Anna and for you thousands of years ago, and He sits at the right hand of the Father still defending us today.

I cried to God for help, he heard my voice

We are famous for transition lately, and we are in the process of it again right now. Transitions are hard when loss is involved. It adds a dimension that’s hard to explain. There’s Mary Anna’s stuff that will be moved again into a new space that hasn’t been touch, and I will yet again wipe the dust off of it, and not set her up a room in another new house.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

I’ll mourn friends and make new ones, and have to retell the our story of our girl.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

And I am sure there will be lots more moments where a video producer will lose that epic emotional shot of me running and weeping, or setting up a nursery and weeping, or dusting off the same pictures of my baby and weeping. BUT, it truly is okay. I have a defender. He defended me on the cross, and He still defends me.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately telling William who’s a wild 3-year-old boy exploring strength and power and energy and wanting to defend every thought or emotion or action that he has that Jesus is big and strong. And he is our defender. If that is the message that I want my other two babies to take home, then it is time that I take it home, even to my new home, myself.

Jesus, our savior, defender, redeemer

We have a DEFENDER friends. We just have to believe it.

Keep Walking

Jul 14

4

Happy 4th Birthday to my girl,

You made me a mom. You changed me from the day that I knew about you. Your entrance into the world was wild and unexpected and your exit was bold and majestic. I picture you being a little momma to Mary Kathryn and getting onto William for being all boy. I bet that you would have woken up early today and loved having a donut with sprinkles with your daddy and then skipping lunch and dinner for cake with me. I just know your love for sweets would be strong, because it’s just a gene that our family requires.

I have heard 4 is the best age! So that makes this birthday seem to sting a bit more. You are missed and celebrated today angel.

William woke up saying “It’s Mary Anna’s birthday! She is in heaven with God!”. He helped me hang your birthday banner with cute colorful tassels in the kitchen, and he can’t stop peaking at your cake.

I went to a bakery yesterday, and they had 1 cake for sale. It was pink and yellow and orange, and it said HAPPY BIRTHDAY in bright pink letters on it. They added “Mary Anna!” to it, and I cried the whole way home.

Thank you for being a vessel that constantly points us to heaven. We miss you always, but especially today, because it is YOUR day, baby girl.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARY ANNA!

love,

mommy and daddy and william and mary kathryn

and i guess marley and fish camp too.